Dear Mothers,
I cannot believe I am writing about the Hidden Mother. The devil has tried to murder me, practically, to keep me from writing this. I have even felt forsaken of God over it and the enemy of my soul has condemned me for it until I have felt devastated, hopeless, and worthless. And yesterday was such a reprieve from the mental suffering. I cast myself down and onto Papa's heart. I was totally honest with him and asked him to pray for me. I told him how depressed I have been and Papa's heart so reached out to me. And I told the Lord last night that I could not pray any longer about the hidden mother, as I have felt it was killing me. And I cast my heart upon the Lord's lap for Him to heal and restore me. And I am barely restored now and I come back to the part where I left off and again I pray to see the hidden mother.
She lives in me and she cries out to the Lord. Maybe she is in the letters group. But I must write to her. I know her so well. She is a mother and wife hidden away. I see her in her cabin in the woods. Grapevines surround her house, and even some of the vines are in her house. Christ is the vine and we are the branches. She ... "Ruby" is wet with the anointing of God. She glistens with His touch. She mourns and grieves to really know Him, the True Vine. Many of her vines are dead and dried. And she prays daily to see a green leaf bud forth in new life.
This woman, Ruby, she works hard. She has some modern appliances, but not many. But she is obedient to the Lord and to her husband, and she is a good mother and has a happy family. But she has a wound that cannot be healed except by the Lord Jesus Christ. She is diligent and faithful and yet she calls out to a father that "seemingly" never hears her. Well, He hears her on most things except when she prays about the hidden mother.
To the world, Ruby is anointed of God. And yet to Ruby, she hurts so much that she doesn't even notice her anointing. The world is like brick walls to her. Her shepherds never touch her heart as her hurt is so hidden. She is not of this world, and she calls to a distant land, an heavenly land. A supernatural place. Ruby has learned to hide her heart as there seems to be no balm in Gilead. There is no medicine or physician that can sooth her. She must have a touch from Him, the true Physician. Being cold or hungry or uncomfortable never bothers Ruby for the hurt in her heart is so much more grievous. For she lives out of her heart. And she protects her heart for out of it are the issues of life.
She cares not for fame and glory or money or wealth. For her heart is calling out to Jesus and without Him, she can do nothing. She lives from one anointing to the next. From one calling of God to the next calling. She lives from split second visions. For nothing in this world satisfies her. And she pulls on the Lord's hem and calls out continually for more of Him. And she calls, "Give me children lest I die. And though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him."
And some of you Mothers will say, "Well, Connie this hidden mother is you ... you are writing about yourself." And I think she is like me and like you. But we are not her. I see someone else in my heart and it is not me.
Ya know, Larry Jones used to have a show on TV called "Feed The Children" and their crew would go up into the Appalachian mountains and interview poor families. And, of course, they solicited the TV viewers for money to buy food for the children. And they needed food, too, and I am glad someone helps them. But I loved watching this show because, every now and again, you would catch a glimpse of the hidden mother. Some of those mothers were so brave and courageous. These mothers would have made it, with or without Larry Jones and his truck, but I am sure the food supplies were appreciated. These mothers had guts and inner strength. They had strong moral strength called virtue. They were virtuous women.
And Jill used to talk about her cousin Lydia. This woman was so poor, she had nothing and she had 5 children. Lydia's Mother was poor, too, but she helped Lydia and her children. And she didn't want her daughter to divorce. I think the dad was a drunk -- I can't remember. But he didn't much support the family. Lydia didn't even have dressers for her children and she used cardboard boxes to put her children's clothes neatly away in. And they used washed out vegetable cans to drink out of for drinking glasses. But her own mother was a great support and strength to her. I don't think a day hardly goes by that I don't think of Lydia. Of course, she has to be older now and her children are grown. But she was so poor and forsaken and yet she always did her best and never gave up. And her life and story is a pillar of strength in my heart. She has, without knowing it, built a stronghold of God in my spirit. She is a source of strength to me and I have never even laid eyes on her or met her.
Another woman is June. Dixie used to tell me about her. She wrote to Dixie from one of the southern states. She lived in the mountains. And she said that the mountain woman where she was at talked about the wisdom of God like Dixie did. But, see, I think my writings on wisdom were spiritually birthed through some of those women in the mountains out of great poverty and hardship. Because these women had to have the wisdom of God or die. And if they were worth their salt in any way, they wanted to stay married. See, June had married Dixie's brother-in-law Walter. Well, he was a wild motorcycle ridin' Hells Angel. But he came to Christ through his wife's witness and prayers.
Before Walter got saved, he would come to Dixie's to visit Bill. Oh, we would pray for him to get lost and go in the other direction. He was a menace to Dixie's life. Dixie would tell me, "Oh, Connie, pray. Connie, pray that Walter will never find his way to our farm." Well, I spent half my life praying for Walter to never come to Dixie's farm. Bill -- wild Bill, Dixie's husband -- wanted to see his brother Walt. But Walt was such a horrid character that Dixie didn't want him in the house. Boy, was he bad! Well, our prayers worked in reverse and Walt married June and she made a man out of him. They both got saved. June first, of course. Finally, when Walter did find Bill and Dixie's farm, he had been saved and was toting his wife June on the back of his motorcycle. But Dixie showed me June's letters later on and oh what wisdom June had. I have never met June, either, but she is another pillar of faith in my heart and spirit.
But the wisdom of God does not come without the crimson stain, the suffering and grieving for a fruitful womb and for a husband complete in Christ. Some of your labors of the spirit will be harder than others. And my labor has been especially hard lately. And yet with every labor pain that is suffered through its season, life will come forth out of it.
I labor to see the hidden Mother. I don't know her. I don't know Sarah or Elisabeth. I know of them, but don't know them. I know of Lydia and June. But I have not suffered as they have and I guess that's why I don't understand the wisdom of God as they have. But as I seek, I will find. As I listen for wisdom's voice, I will hear her. And she will come to me and help me and show me supernatural births. I must see them. They are in the word of God and I must behold them in my own heart.
Papa was so tender to me yesterday. He knows I am Hannah and that I grieve for another fruitful seed, one from Jim. Oh, I would adopt, too. But my heart cry is for a supernatural seed and birth. And I say to the Lord, "Lord, I am not 20 years old anymore. I am 55. And 56 in the spring and have had 6 children. Am I nuts, Lord?" And I get no answer. And I know I am calling out into the deep, to a holy place where it is silent. And yet I continue to call. My words call to Him. My soul and spirit and all of my being calls out to Him. My body says, "Connie, stop! You are wearing me out." And my own soul wants to stop and give up. But the spirit within me keeps calling for the hidden mother, for her spirit to be in me.
Love,
Connie
