Dear Mothers,
Ya know what? If I was to tell you the most important thing I wanted from the Lord? It wouldn't be faith or more patience or visions. Although I could use more of all of the above. No. The thing I would ask for -- have been asking for a lot lately -- is courage.
I wrote this evening some pretty bad stuff on paper. "My life is over, Lord. I am alone, Lord. My children are grown."
The Lord spoke, "Connie, build a home in a barren land. You did it once before ... remember?"
And, yes, many years ago I did just that. I was alone in an apartment, pregnant, on welfare. My only son was six years old. I laid there in bed, afraid to even get up and face another day. Jim and I were separated. I didn't know where he was at all ... hadn't known for some time. I had said, "Lord, my life is over." I was so afraid.
But the Lord spoke to me, "I will heal your marriage. Jim will be home soon and you will buy a house." A house -- HA! -- on 150 bucks a month from a welfare check?
Jim did come home and I told him I wanted to buy a house. We went on foot looking for one, and here I am seven months pregnant. No car, so we walked. We found a house and paid 150 bucks down on it and 135 a month for a house payment. This included taxes and insurance. Now, that was cheap, even for 1973. We moved mostly on foot. I carried heavy boxes for about ten blocks one way. We did get back together and our marriage was to be healed in 1979.
Well, we had a house and Papa said I was a pioneer woman. I had to be to live in that house alone while I waited for Papa to get straightened out. I certainly made a home in the wilderness. This house was coming undone at the seams. Of course, God's miracles kept me and the children.
I am reminded of all of this as I stand here alone tonight. Papa is at work and Mary is staying all night at a friend's house.
I remember when we first moved into this house ... Jim and I separated as soon as we were moved in ... older relatives came over and here I am still pregnant. "Well, you aren't staying here, are you?"
The house was in bad shape. Later I had our baby alone in the hospital a few days before Christmas. I brought her home and the furnace gave out. I sat by the floor register trying to keep my baby warm and waiting for the gas company to come and fix the furnace. I think of that now. "Oh, Lord, I must have had courage then."
I remained in this house with the children. I hung on to it. And six years later, Jim was healed and we remodeled the house. I stayed here alone for six years waiting for Jim, and the house went up in price double. So, just staying here, I made twelve thousand dollars. Now we have lived here for 27 years and the house is worth sixty thousand dollars, and it's paid for. Papa ended up paying for the biggest share of the house.
But the Lord gave me enough courage to make a home in the wilderness. And now I guess I gotta do that again.
Thank the Lord I have my precious husband. He has made up to me many times over for all that I suffered. And I have forgiven him and we are happy. But I am alone without children ... alone in a barren land.
But the Lord has spoken to my heart, "Connie, all it takes is guts." And ya know, I know it takes guts and a pioneer spirit. You got to just get up and go and face the thing head on. We must count the cost and pack our gear and leave the valley of fear and hit the solid ground of courage. I need to gird my loins with strength and get a little moxie.
Well, moxie? It's faith ... but it's a little bit more worldly than faith. It's the meek and quiet spirit trimmed in bull dog tenaciousness. It's a quiet "No" when someone is expecting you to cry. But you ain't gonna cry ... and they soon figure that out. It's smiling when all hell breaks loose. Moxie -- what a word. It's not a religious word. But it means you are a woman hard to handle.
When I was a single mom with three children, alone in a house of my own? That was falling down around me? Well, if I hadn't had moxie, I wouldn't be alive to tell you about it. Moxie ... it's faith ... it's being stout hearted.
I have always said that I use my faith but, if I am low on it, I B.S. my way the rest of the way. In other words, Moxie will go by faith when things get tough. And if the faith isn't working, they are going anyway, one way or the other. I guess it's just setting your heart on the word of God. You are going to go with God, whether you feel like it or not, with or without the feeling of faith.
Moxie will go ahead and walk out the faith when fear is raging and all hell is breaking loose. Religion will stop as soon as the fear erupts.
Courage with moxie faith ... Yes ... I pray the Lord will give us that. And, for us who are building a home in the desert without much to go on ... Please, Jesus, give us courage.
Love,
Connie
