We hear so little about purity and holiness in the church of today. And yet the Bible speaks of being chaste, discreet, and a keeper at home.

Jesus is holy and pure and we must be like Him. Yes, we live in a world of evil and it’s not easy to have a pure heart. But in our secret place with God away from the world, we have to be pure in Him. Purity and holiness is a road to miracles.

You can’t follow Jesus unless you will bow to enter His holiness. Jesus is meek and He wants us women to be meek and mild. We need to be quiet and peaceful and let our eyes be lowered when our husbands are in the room. Our Christine, John’s wife, said lately, “Connie never wanted to upstage Jim.” Ya know, when the bread winner is in the room, we should have certain Christian manners that we should show our husbands.

It is so horrid the way some women treat their men. And if the man is a Christian, he has to put up with it. In this age, it is the women are so raised up. It don’t matter what they do, they are right. And our men sense this. Many men are bitter about this. As in no other time, we need to honor our men. I mean, you don’t just submit to any man. You must submit to your own husband.

Submission is a holy, righteous act. As we submit to our own husbands, we submit to God. To live a crucified life is the life of a wife and mother. We give our lives as Jesus did. He sacrificed His life for us. He humbled Himself before God the Father. For a woman to be proud and arrogant before her husband is a blasphemy against God. We need to take on our cloaks of housewifery and motherhood and do our work as unto the Lord.

Just because it is the age of “the woman can do no wrong” it doesn’t mean God has changed. He is the same yesterday today and forever. We want to change the rules but that won’t work. We are called to holiness and to our places as keepers at home. We will not be blessed for good works that God never called us to do. We have to know His heart and walk out the good works that He has called us to. And in this, we will find contentment, rest, and peace.

Good Morning, Mothers,

Yesterday afternoon, J. called and we had a good talk. Then in the evening, A. called. Both of the ladies sure had a message to give me. J. said that she always reads every email. She receives strength from you girls. And, of course, we all receive strength from J. I am so proud of J. for the way she takes care of R. — J., if you can, could you give a short update on R.? I mean, what a testimony! Then A., could you send it to the letters group? And A. has a wonderful story of deliverance, too.

A. encouraged me last evening to keep writing. I want to honor Jim’s memory. Jim’s life told a story. I hope I have the guts to carry this story on. I learned so much being married to Jim. Well, I am still married to Jim. He will be my husband forever. I guess I will be like Martin Luther King’s wife who carried on with her husband’s work after he died. Jim will never die in me.

Ya know, in 1979 when Jim got saved, healed and delivered, he wasn’t like other Christian men. He became war like? I think alot of young men of today are like that, too. Some of the Christian men are half asleep. They find the Christian church a nice place to doze? Ya know, before Jim came to the Lord, he hardly noticed me. I always said I could have come out in a Santa Claus outfit and said, “Do you like this outfit?” and he would have said, “Yeah, why?” The man seemed to iive in a daze. So when he got saved he went straight for me, I became his barometer, it seemed. I guess after 12 years of hell, I won his heart. He put me first and, later on, he embraced the children. Shouldn’t he have put God first? Well, yes, that would have been right. But he somehow put me first and, as he fought the world for me, he began to put God first.

Papa loved me and my children. He had lived a hard life and his healing came as he knew I wasn’t giving up. Some men need a helpmate like that. Jim got very possessive over me at first. He never wanted to let me go — no, not ever. But he did love me enough to let me go somewhat as time went on and we got settled in our new life. But, ya know, some men start out being very possessive and domineering when they first make that commitment to their families. It’s hard for a wife to live under that heavy bondage. But the man who doesn’t care about the family is a worse burden to bear.

I was talkin’ with John and David at Easter, here at the house. They were laughing and telling wild stories about their dad. They said that he got after them if they made Mom mad. Oh, we laughed and laughed about that. Jim wouldn’t so much call the boys on what they did wrong but if they made me mad, then that was what he called ‘em on. He used to tell the boys to never come against me as the Lord would come after ‘em for it. Well, Wild Man should have known. And I think the message that stirs in my heart is this. Be a woman that holds your husband’s heart.

I gotta say that I think that religion is just destroying the Christian marriage. Even now, as my guts are wrenched with the grief of losing Jim, I could never start with the Women’s Bible Studies. I mean, not unless it was studies on the home and family. But this cracked up malarkey that is out there — forget it! See, a man wants a woman’s heart. He wants her to admire him and reverence him.

When I first got saved and Jim was so wild, I had asked him to get on his knees with me and pray. He was always tryin’ to get right with God and so he knelt with me in prayer. A preacher had told me to get my eyes off of Jim and onto God. So I prayed, “Lord, help me to get my eyes off Jim.” Well, Wild Man tried to strangle me. He didn’t get that religious lingo. Thank God he didn’t kill me. He called the pastor and told him that he was going to kill me if someone didn’t get to our house quick. I wasn’t afraid of Jim. I don’t know why. But several times he thought he had killed me. Poor guy.

Well, anyway, this poor skinny Baptist preacher came over. He was just fresh out of Dallas Seminary and, boy, did he get broke in the hard way. Dealin’ with me and Jim was cold reality. But he hung in there with us. Bless his heart. He had a true shepherd’s heart. I will never forget his kindness to us. But, mercy, was that preacher boy green. So he comes to the house as Jim had called him to come quick. Anyway, the poor preacher was scared but he came. I was worried that the house was a mess. I made coffee and all as Jim walked the floor. So when preacher got there, we all settled at the kitchen table to talk. Preacher says, “Jim, I want you to swear that you will never touch your wife’s neck again.” Well, Jim didn’t get that. After all, I was his wife. Well, I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it. Then we all started to laugh and had coffee and that was the end of that.

Wild Man just had a different set of rules he lived by than the rest of us. Well, prison was a hard place to live in. And he was in and out alot back in those days. And the prisons were hard places back then. Not like today with a TV in the cell and computers and all. You did what Jim called HARD TIME! I mean, Jim put his own tattoos on his arms and hands. “Born to Lose” and others. What a guy! He wrote H.A.T.E. over his fingers on his left hand and Love across the fingers on the right hand. Thank the Lord many of these tattoos faded with time.

Jim hated his life and finally, in 1979, he came back home and never left again. Jim was 39 when he finally had enough and God healed him of his craziness. And, ya know, I was as wild as cat hair, too, when I met him. I was 19 and wanted a crazy life and got it. Then I got saved and the real adventures began. But some of our men don’t get this “religious lingo” that goes on in the church. It doesn’t mean they are bad. And, ya know, none of us know what goes on in a man’s heart. Just because he knows how to talk like a Baptist, it doesn’t mean he is saved.

A long time ago, I quit worryin’ about Jim and his salvation. I had children to school and to raise and meals to make. I had my own salvation to walk out. And, ya know, when it came time for Jim to meet his maker, I had no doubt at all that he went to heaven. All of the children and I have felt his spirit since he passed. And we all know that Papa was at peace and is in the arms of Jesus. We all felt such a peace. Papa became a wonderful Christian husband and father. Not because I was prayin’ for him all the time but because I let him alone to work out his own salvation.

Every man is like a house plant. They have to be alone with the Son (sun). We wives can’t make a man grow. I mean, you can’t make a plant grow. You can put some Miracle Grow on it, through prayer, but you still have to let the growth come between your man and God. You can’t call the man on every sin. Just let him alone and he will grow. Let him be private with the Father God. The Father knows His business. God can do things that you don’t know about. It’s between His son and Him.

Your job is to submit to your husband and to praise him, whether he is saved or not. Make a happy home with your husband. Be joyful and stop worryin’ about your man. Be a keeper at home and enjoy the children. You will be judged on what you did with the light of God that you have had. And your husband will be judged the same way.

Jim gave me 26 years of happiness. And I plan on writing about him for the rest of my life. The virtuous woman honored her husband all the days of her life. Not her husband’s life but “her life.” Jim is my husband and I will love him forever, and I will honor him all of my life.

Love,
Connie

Good Morning!

I wanted to write down some of the conversation that Jill and I had yesterday. It was so rich in the Lord that I wanted to write it down for you. I could just sense the angels about us and our conversation seemed to bounce back and forth as the Holy Spirit seemed to be ordering what was said. We talked about Jim, of course, and about our other family members and that we were praying for them. I had laughed about some of the things Dan had said about if I ever remarried. “Mom any other guy would seem like a dork compared to Dad.” I said to Jill that I had no desire to go out and find another man. I had married the only man I had ever loved. Then I said, “Ya know, I just feel like Laura Ingals Wilder who wrote the Little House stories.” I mean, I think of how she changed our world through her writings. And she started writing her books at about my age.

Just before Jill came to the house to visit yesterday afternoon, I was having a bit of a hard time. I wanted to cry when I saw her but I fought back the tears. I feel sorry for those of my friends who worry over me. I am not used to bringing hardship to others. I want to be OK and I want those around me to be OK, too. As we talked about the Lord, I could just feel His angels about us. I had said that I wanted to honor Jim all of my life and Jill said, “Connie, right there is your salvation. Hold that thought. Just submit to Jim and live as you always have.”

See, we must find His grace and go where He leads us. And when Jill said this to me, it bore witness in my spirit. Jill told me to just keep writing and stay in the place where God led me.

You should have seen Jill squeeze her head and pull her hair back when I told her that some folks thought I should go to some singles groups at church. Oh, I laughed at Jill as she about dropped over and fainted when I mentioned that. See, Jill’s husband deserted her family after only about 6 years of marriage. But she stayed home and cared for her children. This woman had grace on her as thick as mud. She was obedient to God and just lived a life of duty and purpose. She was on welfare because we all could be back then. But the women I knew in the 70’s who were divorced and deserted by their husbands lived honest lives then. They were holy, righteous Christian women who worked hard and raised their children for the Lord. They were a new breed of women coming down the pike. They were godly women who protected their children, even though the husband had left them with nothing.

Jill lived an honest life with her children and never looked at another man. She loved and prayed for her own husband. And like some of you, the grace of God kept her. Later on, after her children grew up, she married a nice man. But the grace of God left her. She tells me every time I see her that she regrets it. Her husband is really a nice man but it wasn’t Gods will for Jill and the Lord’s grace and mercy somehow left her.

Now I know that some of you are happily married for the second time. And that is fine and well. But I am telling you OUR story and, if this applies to you, then receive it. But, ya know, when Jill just stayed in the obedience God called her to as she raised her children, then she had His grace to walk out her life. She was a fountain of JOY. But the devil condemned her for not running after other men. Finally she backslid and married another man. Thinking that something was the matter with her, she tried to do what the church world told her to do. And she has regretted it every day of her life. I have faithfully tried to get her to accept the second husband. She is good to him and wouldn’t divorce. But she tells me she has no grace upon her life.

We can’t just do what others do. We have to find that place of peace and grace from God. And, ya know, I am blessed to have precious Christian firends who have known me for 35 years.

His Grace is Sufficient

Anyway, Jill is like a prophetess that is here to warn me. To tell me to stay in my place with God. Like a sheepdog who has run to the hole in the fence. “Connie, stay in the grace of God.” I know that the Lord and His angels call me and protect me. My writing must be protected. This house has a story and it must be told. Fear calls me to get a job and rock and roll. Jill tells me, “Don’t get out in the world — you will regret it. The world has a spirit of its own and it will lead you away from the things of God.”

My kids have good hearts and would do anything for me. But they don’t have the money to support me. Heck, they can barely make it, as it is, with their own families. And the whole theme of my life is that I get dropped out of an airplane. I land on my feet and, when I hit the pavement, I have to run like hell. That’s the name of the game for me. It just is! And yet I must walk in His grace. Wherever He leads me, I must follow. I cannot throw out His plan for my life. I must do what He leads me to do.

He has a plan for me and I have to follow it. That’s a tall order. He will protect the gift within me and make a place for me. I hope to babysit a few children and tutor some children, too. I know if I walk in His grace and don’t pull rank out of fear, that He will lead me on and give me peace.

Well, I am cleaning my living room for Easter. For the winter months, I have always brought the couch and chairs more towards the middle of the room. Papa and me wanted to get close to the kerosene burner. Plus the couch was next to the door and I wanted it away from there. Too cold and drafty. So then, in the Spring, I make it more airy in the living room and move everything back against the wall. Also in the winter I put afghans and quilts out to wrap up in. But in the Spring I put them away. Then in the summer I lay out a sheet for the couch, as it is cooler, and for Papa’s chair, I put a sheet on that.

Oh, I know Papa is gone, but to me he will always be here. I will have to send you his pic that the kids used for the Memorial program. Everyone says, “Well, there is James Dean.” I want to get this picture blown up. I mean way up? I want a big pic of him for the wall. Oh, Wild Man was a doll even in his old age.

The only time I ever yelled at him was lately. About 2 months ago, he told me he was dying and I wouldn’t have it. I yelled back at him that he wasn’t dying. He finally gave up and quit saying it. He knew that there was no way that his bride of almost 40 years would stand for that one. But Jim knew. Oh, yes, he knew. He prepared all of us. We see that now. But I walked by faith, ya know? I wouldn’t hear of it. I told him, “Wild Man, I would call you back from the dead if you died.” I am sure Jim knew he would have a fight on his hands, huh?

When he did die, I called and called him, but he was gone. Mary Elisabeth called and called him but he was gone. I knew if Papa didn’t hear his baby girl call him that he was not coming back. And Papa is happy now in heaven. Oh, the sweet peace I feel when I think of him. He is with Jesus and isn’t worried about anything. He wants us to be happy and peaceful and we are.

I am not afraid to go on and live my life. It’s another journey. My whole life is like being dropped out of an airplane and landing on my feet. And when I hit the deck, I have to run like hell. Life in the fast lane. Will I ever get used to it? Heaven sounds good to me. I am happy Papa is there and not suffering at the hospital.

Dear Mothers,

Last night we had big STORMS around our state. Earlier in the day, I had shut the ringer off my phone as I had company and the phone kept ringing. So I forgot to turn the ringer back on. My kids tried to call me and couldn’t get me. Finally, I noticed the phone was off.

Anyway, that storm was a BIG one with hail and tornado warnings. My nerves began to get upset and I had just gotten them straightened out with vitamin B. So I just told the Lord, “I know you won’t put me through more than I can bear.” So I just went to bed. I knew the Lord didn’t want for me to get all upset and have to begin again with my nerves. I know He won’t give us more than we can handle. And to stay up and worry over a tornado would have put me over the edge.

Well, I am still here this morning. PTL. I just went outside and everything looks fine. No damage I can see. But, boy, the way it hailed, I bet a lot of cars have damage.

I had some dear friends come to visit yesterday. I am blessed, for sure. MaryL took me out for lunch.

Love,
Connie

Dear Mothers,

Good Morning! Just wanted to write about church. Ya know, I have started writing more about Jim’s and my life before he was saved. Got to thinkin’ this morning about the discussions on the response group about the husbands who wouldn’t go to church anymore. Ya know, that is nothing to worry about. The main thing we should be after, as wives, is to pray that your husband would know Christ in a personal way, in or out of church.

When Jim wasn’t saved, he would try to go to church to make me happy or the folks at church. But ya know, we had some major breakthroughs when we quit church. When we got down to business with God Himself. Ya know, at one time before Jim knew the Lord, he was a con artist. And I am tellin’ ya, a con can smell a con a mile away. And he could see through a lot of what went on at church. He would smile and tell folks what they wanted to hear. Oh, what a character. And the best thing you can do with a con artist is to keep ‘em out of church. I could see through a lot of it, too.

If a man doesn’t take care of his family first, then who cares what he can do at church. See, the Bible says that a man who doesn’t care for his family has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (If a man physically can’t work, that is a different story.) The requirements for church leadership in the Bible is always that the husband is to have his own house in order. And that is how you should know your husband’s heart, is if he works and cares for the family. I don’tcare how high he can jump at church but who is he when he lands.

We can all play church but the name of the game is to know Jesus Christ as personal Savior. Who we are alone when only God sees us is who we are to God. You don’t want a man who only knows Jesus Christ at church. Or he can only be good for the week if he went to Sunday School. We are not to be switching off spirits. To be good at church and bad at home is not goin’ to cut it. Let your husband grow in the Lord. Maybe he will go to church every Sunday and then quit for a few months. Nothing is wrong with that. Let this be between him and God. Let God lead him to either go to church or stay home.

To tell ya the truth, I don’t think I would have the discerning of spirits that I have if I was one to go to church. This thing about you have to go to church or you will backslide is to me such a farce. And I love the people of God and most of my friends go to church. But as for me, I am so happy I don’t have to go. And whole churches have given me money lately. I won Chuck to the Lord in the 70’s and he is a wonderful preacher that attends all of my tragedies. He has a wonderful family and a lovely wife who is a best friend. They have long ago given up on me. They somehow love me where I am. And, of course, I love them. The churches in our area loved me and Jim. But I have to go as the Lord leads me.

And I know that many wonderful Christians go to church. But, no, don’t worry about your husband if he isn’t at church. Let him grow in the Lord slowly if that must be. Let Jesus season him without you hurrying that seasoning along. You don’t want a Christian husband who is intimidated by a church.

Let your husband come to Christ in his time as the Lord leads. Stand back and pray for him with Joy and confidence in God. Pray that your husband will know Jesus Christ as personal Savior. Because, ya know, we can’t enter the kingdom until Jesus is first place in our lives. Not just on Sunday or Wednesday night prayer meeting. But alone in the house with the children. Who are we when all the fluff is gone and we are alone with ourselves? This is what Jesus will notice and judge you on.

I never quit praying for Wild Man all the days of his life. But I knew he truly loved the Lord when he started caring for our family 26 years ago, and putting his money where his mouth was.

A Man aughta Work

Ya know, when Jason was here, and Christian Joy, we had a lot of conversations about Papa. One thing that always got to our son Jimmy was that his dad didn’t put a high opinion on degrees and money. Jim looked at a man and judged him by how well he cared for the family. Jimmy has many degrees and Jim and I were very proud of him. And John has no degrees and works in a restaurant as a cook. But to Jim, both of his sons were on the same level. John was the one who ran away and ran the country for about 7 years. When he came back home and got right with his family and got a job flipping hamburgerss, Jim told Jimmy that John was doing well. This was just after Jimmy got some big degree. But to Jim, Johnny was doing good, too. He was proud of both sons equally. As Christian and I told Jason this, Jason was so taken back. “Most people don’t think like that,” Jason told us.

Jim always judged a married man by if he worked or not. If he made his wife work and he stayed home, then Jim thought the guy was some kind of a criminal. He didn’t care if the guy went to church or not. He looked at how the man treated his wife and children. And this was the way of the Old Time Religion.

See, with feminism and all of those demon voices in our world today, we have fallen over the obvious to embrace the abstract. Well, you can be abstract all ya want. But God’s word has rules to follow. And the main platform in which the Bible is written is that a man is to cover his family. The wife is to be a keeper at home. I mean, I am writing in the context of marriage. But the order of the Word of God is that God is first and our men are to glorify God and we are to glorify our husbands. Our husbands are to protect us and our children. And we as wives are to live under this protection.

It is our job as wife and mother to take whatever money our husbands have given us and make a home. We are not to judge our homes by “whoever” has a nicer home or whatever. We as wives are called of God to take what our husbands give us financially and make it work. If it don’t work, then go to God about it but leave the man alone. Let him do what he has to do.

When Wild Man and I first married, he was horrid and would take all of our money and run off with it. I was left with nothing many times. But when Wild man got saved, he quit that stuff. And I will tell ya one thing, over the past 26 years, when Jim gave me money for groceries I never took it for granted. I made it a point to stop whatever I was doing and look at Jim and tell him, “Thank you, Dear, for the grocery money. I appreciate it.” Jim had another check from Papa John’s Pizza that came after he died. I took it in my hands and I said, “Thank you, Baby, I appreciate this money.” This was Jim’s work and labor for Christ. It meant the world to me that he loved me and still supported me after the children were all grown and had left the home.

Christine, John’s wife, and I were talking when the kids were all here. She said, “Connie didn’t want to tutor children and make more at it than Jim made. She didn’t want to upstage Jim.” And that was right, I wouldn’t dishonor Jim like that. He was 65 years old and was doing the work of a man a lot younger. He did that because that was the only job he could get. Folks don’t hire older people, and some of the work the old timers were taking wouldn’t have been as much as Jim made as a pizza delivery man. And ya know, all of my kids work. Not at the best of jobs but they work. And this is the training the Lord puts a man in to teach him the things of God.

No, maybe your husband can’t earn that much, but his work is precious to the Lord. Appreciate your husband and his labor. Work with your husband — encourage him. In today’s world, he carries a heavy load. Maybe you think he should get a better job and make more money. Well, that is not your business. This is between him and God.

Fellowship

Ya know, ya hear so many Christians quoting scripture about not forsaking the assembly of believers. Well, most of what goes on in the modern church of today is not fellowship with true believers. To me, it would be like going to a communist country and trying to go to church. Sure, there are exceptions. But our fellowship is to be with the Father God.

We as wives and mothers are to get right with God in our homes with our husbands and children. Then we are to go to church with a word from the Lord to encourage the believers. But most fellowship in the churches that I have seen is a fellowship of sin. And no matter what you do, it is OK and God supposedly understands. Well, He understands alright!

I see women come to church to complain about their husbands and to be encouraged to get a divorce. So the fellowship is with each other and not with the Father. Our fellowship is to be with the Father and His Word first. We as as seasoned believers are to come together to uplift His body. Older women are blaspheming the word of God as they teach the young women to get a job and leave the home. Now why would I, or anyone else, want to fellowship with a mess like that? I mean, I can take my own ball bat to my head at home. Do we need to pound our temple with unbelief and witchcraft? Don’t we have enough problems with the world?

I saw a woman on TV lately that is just begging women to leave the home — not openly — but, heck, read between the lines. Ya know, that woman, Juanita the prophet, says that the women who teach on submission in the home need to be run outta town. People pray against people like me. Well, geeeze, I can tell already. I am glad to be old, ya know?

But unless some of you get free of what’s out there, you will never see victory in your lives. Mary, Jesus’ mother had no fellowship. Paul didn’t confer with flesh and blood for 3 years after he came to Christ. John the Baptist was raised in the desert by his mother Elisabeth. The folks God used in the Word of God knew how to stand alone unto God. They stood up against the religion of the day. And, hey, ya know? You can play church games until hell freezes over. But if you want to really know God and want to see miracles in your life, you must follow after the God of the Bible.

Boy, I think Jim and I played every game you could play with God, and I am here to tell ya, it didn’t work? But when we stood alone with God and heard His voice, we found the victory. And ya know, after we found the Lord alone in our wilderness, then we went back to the believers and have been able to encourage them. We found a truth, a nugget of gold. We were taught how to be wise and to build our house upon the Rock. Jesus Christ. Not the church or upon flesh and blood but upon the true word of God.

And I mean, maybe the church plays a part in your life. And if ya need to go, then go. I went for 6 years and I am glad I did. I was nearly tarred and feathered before it was all said and done. I stood up and announced that I had received the gift of speaking in tongues with the gift of interpretations. This was in a Southern Baptist Church. Well, I was happy about it but no one else was. I didn’t get tongues in an emotional frenzy in a holy roller church. I was at home and I got it. Not that I think you need these gifts to get to heaven. But I got these gifts because, Sister, I needed them. I was alone with a child and another one on the way. And Wild Man was no place that I knew of. God then spoke to me in my heart that my husband would come home and that God was going to heal Jim. And God did heal Jim and the Lord gave me double blessings for all that I suffered.

The Lord knows His stuff. He is the way, the truth, and the life. Follow Him and if He says go to church, then go. But follow Jesus and not the religion of the day.

Love,
Connie

I was prayin’ this morning in my bed. And I could see a great ocean of water that was trying to overcome me. But prayer warriors that I didn’t even know were standing and holding the waters back so that I could write. And I prayed, “Lord, I don’t even know what to write.” I can just write what I think I should write.

Some of my friends have said that maybe I will go to some singles church group and find another husband, and have a ministry. Boy, I would feel sorry for the poor cat I would choose. God help him! I was so serious this morning but now I am getting ready to laugh. I have never even thought of another man. And, ya know, Jim’s act would be hard for any other guy to follow. No, I just don’t think I could ever top Papa. Ya know, Papa was such a wild and crazy guy. I mean good grief! I would have to find a guy who was all but perfect or no one would let me marry him. And what on earth would I write about if I was married to the perfect guy? And I wouldn’t get to write anymore about Wild Man. I would have to get rid of all of my stuff from Jim. I can’t imagine such a thing. As far as I know, I will just live here and honor Jim’s memory. That is what feels the most comfortable to me, anyway.

I can’t imagine giving my love to any other man. Papa was my prayer partner. We didn’t talk much about things. But Jim was a faith man. And my writing at times was a curse to him. I would always write in the morning and Papa was always waiting for me to get done. And right on the other hand, he knew my writing was what the Lord had called me to do. Right about the time I thought I would never write again, I would hear Papa braggin’ on me to the neighbors or to his sister. Papa and me didn’t talk much about it. But Papa hovered over me and protected the gift within me. He supported me spiritually. He knew me and knew that my sensitivity to the Spirit was a blessing to both of us.

Papa knew when I was tired. He never pushed me to do stuff beyond what I could. He just knew me and I didn’t have to explain things to him. I think he knew more than anyone else that I was the weakest among women. All of my strength was and still is from the Lord. Jim, I think, rose to where he did as a Christian husband and father because he knew I needed him. And without him, I wasn’t going to make it. His greatest fear was always that I wouldn’t be taken care of if something happened to him. Well, he must be smilin’ down from heaven as our children and our Christian friends have sure come to my rescue.

I am strong only because of prayer warriors who are praying for me. I am still standing because of the Love that so many have shown me. My greatest fear is that I won’t do what He has called me to do. Not that I wouldn’t do it. But I get afraid that I won’t be able to as my own strength would fail. But I know it is His strength that I have to continue to lean on. He is the author and finisher of my faith.

My friends have said to me, “Connie, you treated Jim like a king. You should never have any regrets.” And, ya know, I don’t have any regrets. I mean, at this point, I would be free to remarry. And I know Jim would want me to be happy. But as always, I am a bond-slave to him. I am free to go but I don’t want to go. I could have divorced him many years ago. But I loved Papa.

Oh, I was always kinda wild and crazy myself, ya know? I walked with Jim through the valley of the shadows, just like I now walk with my kids. Some of us are apt to live on the edge more than others. I remember Papa standing at the back door of our little house many years ago. He had been missing for about 3 months. He stood there wind burned and sunburned from hitch hikin’ out on the open highway. He had been gone all that time but wasn’t carrying a suitcase or anything. He just stood there with nothing but a heart full of repentance. The obvious question for me would have been, “Where were you for 3 months?” But I had prayed and the Lord had given me directions. So I said, “Hi, Honey, I am glad to see you.” My next question was, “Are you hungry?” Well, I knew he was hungry, as he was eating a tomato from the garden.

Wild Man’s luck had run out and he was back home. Back home for a while, anyway. Jim then would start over. Get a job and start again. After a few weeks, he would break down and we would talk about why he ran away this time. Jim would take the blame. He had a demon after him and he couldn’t get rid of it. His healing came as I stood with him. As I believed what he told me — that he had a running spirit and just couldn’t settle down. Oh, sure, the church told me to take my rose colored glasses off and face reality. But when I began to believe Jim and stood with him, this is when he got saved and healed.

Of course, this all was many years ago and God gave me double years of blessings for all that first years of marriage. I have lived now almost 26 years of happiness with Jim. And Jim will always be my man and I will always be married to him.

The kids wanted Jim to talk to them about our life back when, but he wouldn’t. And I was never free to write about it. I wrote what I could when I could get away with it and still keep the peace. But now I feel it is the time to speak about my life with Wild Man before he got saved. Jim is in a different place now. He is in heaven. The rules are different there. I know that he is ok with me writing some things.

See, I had a bringin’ up in the Lord that was different than what some of you have had. It was a secret, it seems. It was a Bible school, of sorts, and I learned the things of God in a different way. I remember sitting outside on the jail house steps and a friend said to me, “Connie, someday you will write a book.” I didn’t really understand that, as I was so devastated at times. My life was different — not maybe right but different. I would hate to see anyone else go through what I did. The problem is that some of you have already been there and done some of that. So I pray that my testimony gives you comfort.

I have to say, in closing this part, that the Lord is keeping me and I am not on any nerve pills. I was, just before Jim died, but not now as I know Jim is ok. Papa is safe in heaven in the Lord’s arms. The Father is comforting him and comforting me. I guess I am simply held up by your prayers. Your love and support for my family has been precious. Thank you!

And, as Mary said at the Memorial for Jim, “Mama told her beloved when he died, ‘Wild Man, I will miss you every day.’” And, yes, I will miss Wild Man every day for the rest of my life. I could never hate him, even in the worst times of our marriage. And, oh, mercy! I love him still, even though he is in heaven. And I will probably write about him for the rest of my life.

Ya know, I was just watching James Robinson and his wife on TV. I like them but don’t agree with them. They feed the hungry children in Africa so thank the Lord for them. Anyway, they are discussing being intimidated and fearful. They are interviewing a man who wrote this book and his wife. Wife had to edit the book so she is giving her view on intimidation. Man, you can tell that woman used to be a very submissive wife and mother. She has four children. But you can tell she started out right and somehow thought she had fallen under fear and now she is telling everyone how she got out of it. It was sad!

Being a quiet, submissive wife is not being a wife full of fear or intimidation. The meek and quiet spirit is the spirit of strength. A woman who is truly submissive knows how to use her strength. She doesn’t fear what others think of her. She will remain silent, right when the company she keeps puts a strong spirit of intimidation upon her. She won’t move in any direction out of fear. She is stubborn in the things of God. She seeks first for His kingdom and His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven.

And, yes, this woman on TV was trying to submit to her husband. You could tell that she and her husband were both young and didn’t understand the place of a woman in the body of believers. This wife was so pretty and sweet. I could see her, with the eyes of my spirit, at home and happy with her little babies. Being on TV ruffled her. She looked like a queen who had been captured by an enemy.

See, unless we show our husbands and the rest of the world what a true submissive wife is, they will never know her. We women are to teach in silence and submission. Our husbands are to behold our chaste conversations coupled with fear. This is 1 Peter 3:2. This is how we win our husbands to the Lord. And we also win others to the Lord in the same way. When our husbands behold us and our godly behavior, they get a godly fear upon them.

See, no one could have beat Sarah, Abe’s wife. She never would have been an abused wife. She, in her later years, was a woman of dignity and purpose. She was chosen of God, and any man that would have tried to beat her would have been very sorry. God puts a fear upon a man around a woman who is clothed in honor as Sarah was. The truly submissive wife is not what the world shows you. The daughters of Sarah are women of such power and anointing. Their spirits are brewed slowly in God’s heart. He hovers over them and He protects them and not they themselves.

But, oh, dear daughters of God, we teach our men who the virtuous woman is through our quiet behavior. Through our work as Keepers at Home.

I just felt so sorry for this wife on TV. You could tell that she had been such a lovely mother bird hidden in a lush green tree. Her nest and her babies were her world. And after she read this book her husband wrote, she thought she was to go out and preach the gospel. Well, I can tell she will turn around again. Probably after the show has been aired and forgotten. She will teach her husband who the virtuous woman is.

Oh, mercy, talk about losing the plot! Man, I thought Jim would live well into his 80’s. The Lord is on me like a hen on a bug! Last night, I leaped out of the anointing of God as I pulled rank out of fear. Well, I sure know the Lord has a plan for me. The spirit of barrenness is such a frightful spirit. Where the Lord is, there is peace and rest and anointing. Where He is, there is liberty in the Spirit. His grace is sufficient for me. I must stay under His word and His anointing.

Oh, mercy, I guess I will always write about Papa and his babies. Oh, if this house could talk, huh? Ya know, back when — well, when most of the children were home — I was always runnin’ out of groceries. And I would get up early in the morning and pray, long before the children were up and Papa off to work. Then I would make a soup on the stove. I would get a big pot of soup goin’. Then I would bake bread and make a cake and maybe a pie. I would be all morning in the kitchen cooking and making things for the family. It’s hard to bake a lot if you are making a big dinner. But if you can just get a simple soup on the stove, then you have dinner out of the way and you can spend more time baking. A lot of it is just submitting your life to the duties of keepers at home. If you have a little meat and vegetables and your baking supplies, you can keep a big family on the road for a long time.

No matter how low we got on food, I tired to always make sure Wild Man had coffee. He didn’t ask for a whole lot out of Mama but just that she would have the coffee on in the morning. Then sometimes he would drink some after work. But the children knew that I had to cook if we planned on stayin’ up and goin’. So I had the children do the vacuuming and they had to keep their rooms decent. And I used all of my land to plant vegetables and fruits in the summer. My mom used to ask me why I never had any flowers planted. I would say, “Well, ya can’t eat flowers.” But later on, I could see that every home needed flowers for the table, so I planted flowers.

One year, I planted pole beans up the front of the house and they covered the whole front porch. And then I planted some by the big window in the living room. It made a pretty vine and helped to keep the house cool and shaded. Just plant the pole beans and, when they start to grow, you have to tie a string from the bottom to the top and let them grow up a string. I have also taken 3 long sticks and made a tee pee and they would grow up the poles and string. Now I have an old windmill out in my side yard and they can grow up that. And, ya know, Wild Man he didn’t know why I worked so hard at keepin’ food on the table. He was busy tryin’ to make a buck and I didn’t discuss the food situation with him. He just gave me what he could for groceries and I just bore the burden myself. He had enough to do to support us and do what he needed to do. I had to bear my own load.

You can’t always bother your man with household details. I knew that Jim was giving me as much money as he could. We can’t expect more out of our men in any direction then what we know they can come up with.

The kids ask me now why Papa didn’t discuss deep thoughts with them. I said ya know, men didn’t spill their guts like folks do now. Usually a man would talk about their jobs or the weather or sorta surface things. They didn’t talk about feelings, especially deep feelings. Now that Jim is gone, we have had some deep discussions. But Papa just didn’t think a man should talk about certain things. It was a rare day that he gave his testimony. Of course, his wife was an open book. He admired me for that, in one way, and on the other hand, I am sure it unnerved him. But whatever.

Papa was always loved. He is in a different place now. But I love him as I always have.

Good Morning. I went to bed early last night so I hope I can get a good writing in today.

I have longed to make vegetable soup. I am frying hamburger now. Jason, Christian Joy’s boyfriend from NYC, didn’t eat beef, so I hadn’t fixed any hamburger when they were here. Oh, we had enough food without cooking, anyway. But now I need to cook a bit. Thank the Lord!

I love my home and I am so glad to be here. I long to do some homemaking today. Papa would have wanted me to just go on. Bless his heart, he paid the house off and I have that. But I called the Social Security office and found out that I will get no S.S. or Medicare. HelllOOO? What’s new? I will get Jim’s S.S. when I am 60 years old and that will be just 70 percent of it. I just turned 59 so I have another year to wait to get that. That’s ok. The devil won’t take me down. Ya know, I am ok? I really am ok. And the Lord is my source of supply. I am weak but He is strong. He won’t leave me or forsake me.

I am burdened for my dear friends. They are all so sweet to me. My dear friend Ruth was here yesterday afternoon. I am very weak but I think that is to be expected. But when Ruth got home, she called me to see if I was ok. Jill seems worried, too. I am kind of delicate right now. But my mind is on target and I am ok. I have to rest a lot. I just feel bad for my friends who seem so worried. But no one need worry. You know the way I do things. Sort of half assed! MaryL says I will probably fall into a million dollars. I don’t doubt that at all.

I think the biggest thing on my mind is the Revolution. I know that sounds crazy. But ya know what? I tried to explain that to my friend Barb yesterday. See, I am not on any nerve pills or anything. I take aspirin or whatever to calm down a bit. But I sleep ok. See, I will show you who I am. I am like a person who worked 10 hours a day and got that figured out. And Jim dying is like someone telling me that I will have to work 15 hours a day. And I say to them, “That’s ok, I am used to working.” Well, see, it’s a spiritual work and I know how to work spiritually. I know how to to this. It’s not strange to me to fall into diverse temptations. Been there and done that. My burdens got heavier and I now have a bigger piece of land to plow. But I get it. I know how to do this. Yes, it’s harder but it is not strange to me. I do have more on my plate than I know what to do with but I know how to distribute it. And I know I will have days where I feel lost and despondent? But I have done that before. I am not afraid. I did need nerve pills when Jim was in the hospital. But now I know he is safe and sound. I know he is ok and with Jesus. I have no children to look after. They are all safely grown and happy. I have so much to be thankful for. My Jesus has my address. And ya know, I am ornery and plan on kickin’ this world in the back end before I die.

Ya know, I have Jane, Jill’s sister, that I plan on takin’ with me on the internet. If I can. As soon as I can, I will send her testimony to Shelly. Jane was a full blown lesbian who has the truth now and what a testimony! I plan on stickin’ her in my apron pocket and just keep her with me. She ain’t foolin’ with anyone and will tell you that the Gays aren’t born like that. When she first got saved, I was a bit worried that she would get into Christian feminism. So Jill and I rebuked that in a hurry. Now Jane is letting her hair grow long and is praying for a godly husband. I want her to get a computer and we will put her on the group and let her go.

I guess if I am worried about anything, I am worried that I won’t get to start a Revolution. Oh my goodness! Chrissy and Jason encouraged me a lot. Ya know, NYC is quite a place. I wouldn’t want to live there but I like some of the free thinking? One thing Jason said to me is that my Zine or like newsletter has to have something that will draw people.

The Zine

Ya know, Jason and Chrissy and I had many valuable conversations. Ones that I know the angels listened to. Jason said that a lot of political ideas that weren’t even right got off the ground because they had appeal. And I said, “Ya know, I want my Zine to my have such a flavor of the underground. I want to put a writing out there that will give the housewife MOXIE and class. I want them to feel good and ornery after reading my writings.” I want my Zine to go out to the streets of NYC. It’s gotta be mainly handwritten. But ya know, it just has to call the housewife. I gotta do it! I just gotta do it. Oh, I have so much to do.

Anyway, after I get a good group of zines, then I want to make a book out of them. I want a book that is handwritten. I mean mostly handwritten. Have maybe a fourth of it typed. But I want it to have the flavor of the underground press. I want it to be a secret wisdom. Like reading words from a Secret Garden. I can feel it coming. Man, does the devil hate it!

But ya know, I am gettin’ pretty old. I won’t be here that much longer. Now, my luck, I will probably live to be a hundred. God forbid! I love Papa and miss him. I feel his presence here. I am so happy that he loved me.

Ya know, I was visiting with the kids. And I said, “Ya know, Papa never blamed me for anything? I mean, he could have said I wasn’t a good wife to him. Or he could have blamed the kids for things. But he never did. His wife and kids could do no wrong.” He overdid it on blaming himself and we all hated that. The kids loved him and wanted to talk to him about his past. But he wouldn’t talk about it with them. They wanted to tell him that it was ok and they loved him anyway. “Oh, Papa, we miss you and love you as you were. Just as you were. I am ok, Papa, all is well.”

And ya know, now that he is gone, I can allow myself to think of things that Papa didn’t even want me to think about. See, I loved Jim. When he was good or when he was bad. Sometimes he was so bad, he made me laugh. The Lord cut me out to be his wife. I am a little different because I followed a man who was different. Papa wouldn’t allow me to express much at times. And Papa about broke his neck tryin’ to hide a lot of his past. But to us, it was like goin’ around with an extra leg and pretending it wasn’t there. It was always as plain as the nose on my face but we couldn’t talk about it. It was a story that was always waiting to be told. Now Papa won’t care if I tell it, as Jesus will sooth him.

Papa was a walking book and I became a writer. I think my writing was really developed as I wrote hundreds or thousands of letters to Papa in prison. Of course, he would burn them all before he would get out. He was always tap dancin’ and burnin’ his bridges behind him. He was a card, right to the end. And even at he hospital, with all the tubes in him, I would say to him, “Wild Man, we ain’t given up, right?” And he would shake his head yes. Eyes closed and unable to speak, he shook his head, “Yes, my dear wife, we ain’t givin’ up.” But ya know, folks like us who live on the edge sometimes fall over the side accidentally. We always gambled with life and it seems, this time, we got caught. But we had a good life together. Papa and me. And the Lord gave me double blessings for all that we suffered. And, ya know, there is a woman for every man. Some men take a lot of extra lovin’ to awaken their hearts to the Lord.

The Dr. Dobson husband isn’t the only one that is valuable. Some of you ladies have husbands that aren’t saved. Well, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a real marriage. Your husband is your mission. Over and over again, I tell my kids that Dad and I weren’t married for almost 40 years because we were perfect people. Just two good forgivers, that’s all! Ya gotta commit your life to your own husband and win his heart. You gotta win him with your life. Browbeating him to church to walk the aisle is silly.