Saturday, February 24, 2018

No Regrets

Dear Mothers,

I am up in the night for a bit, thinking about the cards so many have sent. Christian Joy is so good to help me with all of them and to make sure Mom don’t lose any of the money in the cards. I am so deft at doing business. Jim took care of everything to do with paying the bills, etc. Soon I will be left to my own devices. God only knows how I will handle things. Well, I did it alone for many years and can do it again. Just getting my mind around it all is what I need to do. I will do fine, once I get at it.

I have been so dizzy lately but, when I woke up in the night just now, I feel the dizzy feeling has left. I feel stronger, more confident. My greatest worry is for my children, that they will worry too much over me. I am fine and no one need worry.

I feel so sorry for my friends. So many are so grieved about Jim’s death. I was grieved when he suffered in the hospital but I am not grieved now. I know he is not suffering. I have no regrets. Wild Man and I gambled with life right up to the end. We knew he would die something like this. The Lord had it all in His hands. I have no regrets.

The Lord gave me almost 26 years of Joy with Jim. The Lord promised me double JOY for all the 12 years of heartache in the first years of my marriage. He promised me and He gave me much Joy and happiness in the past years. We would have been married for 40 years in the fall of this year. 12 years and 26 years don’t add up to 40. But we had a few years, there in the beginning, when we were first married but separated. God promised me through the marriage that he would take care of everything, and He did.

I have no regrets. God was faithful to me and gave to me far above what I could ever ask or think. I got to have 6 children and never lost any in death. My children have loved me and cherished me through all of this. They have loved and cherished Jim and honored him. They will honor his memory as I will. I feel Jim’s presence with me and always will. I will meet him in heaven and there we will live together.

I plan to keep on writing about the family. Still so many more stories to be told.

Do, please, pray for my children. John, especially, is taking it hard today — Dan and David and Mary, the 4 youngest, have taken it hard. Jimmy, our oldest son, and Christian Joy are closer to me. So now that I am ok, they feel ok, too. I just don’t want this grief to settle on my children. They have beautiful families and they must go on. I want them to have a good shot at life as I have had. I want them to know the deep happiness and contentment that I had with Jim. I have fought to make a godly foundation for them with my own life. I have lived for them and tried to be an example to them. Yet I am not an end in myself. They must go on and be the next examples of godliness. Oh, that Papa loved his kids. As I said before, “Papa’s babies could do no wrong!”

Danny said, “Mom, Dad would just tell me, ‘Dan do what is right.'” And Danny said, “That’s what I am tryin’ to do.” Dan made up a song that he sang at the Memorial called “Lord Save My Soul.” Danny got a new tattoo, a big one of course. It says “Lord save my soul.” Danny has a fire in him. He will be another Wild Man. That young man is gonna be something for the Lord.

Also at the Memorial, Jason sang two wonderful songs. One was called “Love Songs to Jesus.” And the other one was “There Will Be No Depression in Heaven.” It was sung by the Carter family during the Depression years of the 30’s. June Carter Cash’s family sang this. (Johnny Cash’s wife’s family.) Jason is Christian’s young man. He is the most wonderful man. All the kids love him. I dare not snag him and pinpoint him about being a Christian. He is one, but I think Christian Joy don’t know it. He is another Wild Man, for sure. And, oh, those styles from NYC. Jason wore a nice suit with white tennis shoes. The kind ya slip on?

And ya know I wrote about Fred the Baptist and how he tried to get us Hultquists to straighten up and be good? Well, in the end, he was smilin’ and said he thought the Memorial was wonderful. Bless his heart. God love him. But, boy, we had a strategy if he hadn’t been calm. We didn’t have to use it. But we had plans for that ol’ boy. Yet, in the end, he loved us all up and we loved him and all was well.

Of course, Dan’s punk rocker friends came. God love ’em. All of my tragedies are accompanied by Punk Rockers, tattoos and face piercings.

One thing that happened at the Memorial that was extra funny was this. Miss Charlotte’s grand daughter McKayla and my niece Ashly — they were so cute. They are 7 and 8. Oh, such sweet little girls. They took turns falling across my lap and crying. Ashly would say, “Can I have a turn now?” McKayla was eating Doritos and crying between bites.

McKayla asked her Grandma on the way home, “Well, can’t Jim come back?” And Miss Charlotte explained to her that when someone goes to heaven, they don’t want to come back. “He don’t even want to come back?” McKayla says in horror. She cried all the way back home in the car. She told her grandparents, “Don’t show me any stop signs, as I keep thinking that Jim’s life stopped.” Ashly also cried all the way home in her parents’ car. She said Jim was like a Father to her. Those little girls were so dramatic and sweet.

I told Miss C., “Just cherish her as she is and at her age. What a sweet little girl.” But Jay, Char’s husband and McKayla’s grandpa, kept trying to untangle McKayla from me. Then, once he got her loose, she would come back to me. So he would try to motion to her with his eyes to let me loose. “Now, Connie has others to talk to,” he told her.

Jim had given McKayla the book Black Beauty and she loved it. She loves horses and talks about this book so fondly. Both of these little girls are so intelligent.

Our Baby Rose asked, “Where is Grandpa?” Her Mom and Dad tried to explain to her that Grandpa was with Baby Chloe Faye in heaven. Baby is only two and half and she said, “No, Grandpa is at the hospital.” But we have many pictures of Baby and Grandpa together. She will always know Grandpa loved her.

Well, I should go back to bed and get some sleep. All is well and good!


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