I can’t believe he died. I don’t know what will become of the group? It seems the more I suffer, the bigger the group gets. I would like to keep it going as cheerfully as possible. So many suffer and need this group. I hope we can keep it as usual. S., I love all of your recipes and I know the ladies do, too. Just keep writing, ladies, as you always do.

I am a widow now. I can’t believe I am a widow now. My mercy! How many hats do I have to wear? I am writing because it helps ease my pain. I have always written to ease my pain. I can’t hardly see the screen, as I have the big light in the dining room off, as the kids are all bedded down in the living room.

As we grieved the hospital, the chaplain there said, “I have never seen a lovlier family. You have so much love for each other.” I had told the kids each one, as I hugged them, “Don’t send flowers to honor your Dad. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Love your families and your children. This is how you will honor Papa.” Dan cried out over Jim, “Oh Papa. Oh Papa.” Over and over again, he cried out for Papa. Mary laid upon him and called to him. We tried to raise him from the dead but he couldn’t respond — he was gone.

I had been up earlier with Chrissy. “Why isn’t he responding to us?” I asked. And they said he was just tired. But I knew something was wrong. I said to Papa, “Are you just very tired, Jim?” And he nodded yes. I covered him for the night and tucked him in. A few hours, later he died.

My loving family is all here with me. Brothers and sisters hugged and comforted each other. Just as Jim would have wanted.

I will write my way out of this. As the devil tries me, I will write for the glory and honor of Jesus.

Satan haunts me with condemnation. He is the accuser of the brethren. Didn’t I have enough faith? Probably not. Did I do some things wrong? I am sure I did. I am flesh and blood and am never perfect. God forgive me and keep my sorry soul. And in this death, I want to show His glory.

Jim’s last request to the kids was, “Take care of your Mother” and they say to me over and over, “Mom don’t worry — we will take are of you.” And I know they will.

T. and B., I got your sweet gifts in the mail THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I appreciate your kindness to our family.

Oh, I guess in the back of my mind, I thought maybe Jim would die but I sure never planned on being a widow now. I wonder if I am only a writer poured out. I always wondered how Mary lived through losing her baby. Now I know. One day at a time. As W. says, “One second at a time.”

Oh, may His grace be sufficient for my children and me. May the Lord comfort the pain and grief about me. Give me new visions, Lord. New depths of understanding.

My husband died. All of the kids are here. They are sleeping here tonight. I am up in the night broken hearted. I will miss Jim so much. Please pray for my kids as they are taking it hard.

His Grace

I think of the story I once read about one of the Saints of old. As the believers were being burned at the stake, they said to the next one to go, “Hold up one finger if God’s grace is sufficient for you as you burn.” And as the fire rose up the saints feet, he held up two fingers instead of one to say that God’s grace is more than sufficient.

I ache with pain all over with heartache as I write. And yet one day, I will understand His grace. His grace is sufficient for us as the Word says it is. By faith I receive His grace and mercy. Jesus has come to bind up the broken in heart and to set the captive free. I pray for His grace as I need it for today.

Jesus is Lord of all. He is the beginning and the end. The same power that raised Christ from the dead dwells in me and in you. All things work together for good to those who love God and are called for His purpose. He will walk with me through the valley of the shadows of death, and I fear no evil as He is with me.

“Lord make me strong as I honor my husband on this day”

Love,
Connie

I was at the hospital and Jim almost died. But he is stableized now. I came home for a while. I will go back in about 2 hours.

Please call people to pray. He is back in Intensive Care.

Dear Mothers of the Hearth,

Oh! Yesterday I could sense the angels all about me. And this morning, as I read Phillipa’s writing, I was wondering if she saw some of the same angels.

Last night as I went to bed, I could see with the eyes of my spirit. I saw night angels blowing in holy anointed winds. Oh, these angles were running swiftly like horses full of passion. Warring Angels. They were running and drifting and talking with such urgency to each other. Sometimes, in the vision, they reminded me of jets streaking across the night sky. And I could see lights flashing about them. They were saying, “We love God and we are urgent to serve Him. For those who will minister to the least of them, we run with passion to serve God’s servants. Those who will minister to the least are God’s anointed. And we want favor with God. And the way we get favor is to minister to the ones who minister to Him. We run swiftly to look for the servants of God who pull on His heart.”

Oh, these angels were running so fast. I don’t know how fast but like jet airplanes. And I could see flocks of them coming from all over the world coming to me to help me. Not because they loved me. But because they loved God and wanted His favor. They have such a passion to be the Lord’s servants. They watch Jesus and they long to please Him and to do His will.

And the Lord said to me, “Open up my kingdom. Pull out the gold and the silver. All I have is yours.” And the Lord knows that I am not interested in gold and silver and I know He is meaning spiritual gold and silver. He means the wisdom of God. What would I do with Money? I need a healing for Jim and one for Brandon and one for my broken heart. So I ask the Lord to send a third of His angels to Jim and a third to Brandon and Mary and a third to me to sooth my heart. And God is even now soothing me. He says to me over and over, or as if He is speaking to my enemies, “Touch not mine anointed and do her no harm.” He is Father to me. And He is holding me close. I can feel His warmth and love. He pierces my heart with His love. His sweet breath and words fall upon my face. He promises to protect me and go with me through this valley of the shadows.

I just called the hospital and Jim needs prayer. His heart rate is not stable. Pray for Jim, please. Please have a prayer chain — pray. Please ask everyone to pray. His heart has to get stable. I can see Holy Angels coming from all parts of the world to minister to Jim. Please pray. We don’t want to lose him.

Love,
Connie

Well, I hope Jim gets to come home today. I have to go get groceries this morning. I want to spruce the house up a bit, too. I know Wild Man will be fuming if the doctor says he would have to stay another day. As it is, he is about to jump out of his skin. And, of course, I am ready to do the same because he is.

I had to give myself a pep talk in the night last night. Oh, mercy, I had better be made out of more blood and guts than I ever have been. I was telling MaryL, my mentor, last night on the phone that I always feel I am pressing on the boundary line. Always going beyond where I ever have.

I used to be able to see my pathway but now it’s like each day I am hitting into new spiritual places that I have never been before. I think of Daniel Boone who was a trailblazer. Each day he walked along alone and searched for new paths to bring the settlers through. But he had a thirst for adventure and he loved to find new paths to walk through. This morning, as I stand here writing, I am trying to think of the brave people who have gone before me. Folks who had to just get up in the morning and do what needed to be done.

I am a scaredy cat. Oh, such a scaredy cat. I cry out to God to let me PLEASE roll over and play dead. Can’t I stay in bed with a pretty quilt over my head? To forge ahead in faith? Oh, my mercy. I know some of you are there, huh? You don’t know what the future holds but we know who holds the future? Right? Hellllooo? I mean, we just have to expect a Miracle every day.

I heard a man speak once about his mother who had a lot of faith. He said that every time his Mother heard a knock at the door or she got a letter in the mail, she said, “Oh, is this an answer to my prayers? Is this my miracle?” Oh, we need faith like this. When Jim and I were separated many years ago and I would get a phone call in the night, I would think it was Jim and that he wanted to get back together again. Oh, we have to stay expectant as we blaze new trails and hear new callings from the Holy Spirit. We don’t know what each day will bring. But we must be ready for a miracle each day. And we don’t know what hour the Lord Jesus will come. He will come when we least expect it. But if we are expecting miracles in our lives, then we will be ready for Him, no matter when He comes.

We as believers are not of this world. We are living in an eternal kingdom even now. We are starting our Eternity now. We walk as if things are, that are not. We believe that we have from God what we ask for. Mark 11:23 and 24. Read both verses and then 24 says Therefore I say unto you. Whatsoever ye desire when you pray BELIEVE that you receive them and ye shall have them. So we believe first and then we receive. We don’t pray and then look at circumstances to see if all is well. If it ain’t all well when we pray, then it ain’t all well, anyway.

We pray at home until we see His glory. Until we see the answer in our hearts. You believe with your imagination. You must see with the eyes of your heart and the ears of your heart. I mean, this is the ideal. But sometimes we pray and we don’t see the answer and so we just have to believe with as much heart as we have then b.s. our way the rest of the way home. Thats just how it goes . We just go ahead and do what we need to do with as many guts as we can muster up. And may the Lord forgive us for our unbelief. “Lord Jesus, please forgive us and help us to walk with you.”

The Lord puts us in these hard situations so that He can be glorified. We as trailblazers are called to go beyond the natural realm and press forward to the supernatural places in God. We want to see miracles but we don’t want to be put into situations where we have to have a miracle or die. We want easy trials. I sure do. We want trials that are within the boundaries of what we have believed God for before. We don’t want to be uncomfortable.

Walk by Faith

Ya know, as followers of Christ, we are on the move. We cannot please God without faith. We cannot do anything to glorify Him if we are walking by what we see. This world is temporary, a place to be tested. It is always subject to change. But the Lord God and His heavenly kingdom never changes. He is the same yesterday TODAY and forever.

Oh, we get up to blaze a trail through our darkness. We wonder what is on the other side of the hill. We shrink back in fear and don’t want to walk to see what is on the other side of the hill. But we must go, whether we have a faith to hold us up and keep us happy or if we are just b.s.-ing. We gotta go look to see what is on the other side of the hill.

Dear Mothers,

Good Morning. Well, I will be off to the hospital here this morning. Jim had a few irregular heartbeats and so he will be in the hospital a few more days. We were hoping that he could have come home today. Boy, he has been antsy and me, too.

I pray he had a good sleep last night. I am having good and bad days and so is Jim. But I guess that is the way it goes. I am just glad that Jim is alive. Oh, man, I would have hated to lose him. Still, he says he has no pain in his chest or leg where they took out the veins for his heart. He did say he had a headache the other night. I know if I had open heart surgery, I may get a headache.

Jim has been so antsy and that has worried me. The kids are very supportive and have been in and out each day. Bless their hearts, they have been so worried. Jim seems a bit loopy, but I guess that is par for the course. Some men are not good patients. He is good for the nurses and all but he just hates being at the hospital. He longs to get home and I long to get him home. Just pray that his heart will beat steady.

Our children have been so precious. Some of them have given us money and some are waiting for when they can. But Jim has always been generous with them and now they have come up to the bat for us.

I guess we live by faith, huh? I took my Bible to bed with me last night. I read Proverbs and about Wisdom. This gives me peace.

Lately, I keep seeking the Lord’s heart. I mean, with all the crazy preachin’ goin’ on, ya think, “What is the answer?” And I think, “Well, God’s ways are so above our ways.” I think, “How can we know Him?” And yet we are made in His image — we are made like Him. I think He wants to be a part of us and wants to fellowship with us. He works with our desires as we follow Him. Just like how He picked Sarah to have a supernatural birth when she was old. Sarah had longed for children all of her life. God didn’t pick a woman who never wanted children to begin with. Sarah was missing the mark in the beginning because she wasn’t submissive and she jumped ahead of God by giving Abe her servant girl to have a child by. Sarah wasn’t perfect but God dealt with her and showed her where she had to change in order to see her prayers answered. He saw something in Sarah that He could use. And most of what He used was her burning desire to have a child.

God uses our desires if our desires are based in Him. I want Jim to be healed and be able to come home. God will use my prayers as I long for my husband and long to please him. The Bible says that we have an unction from the Holy Spirit and we know all things. So if we chase God and long for Him, then we know all things. As we long after Him, then this is our path of righteousness.

God used Esther to save her people. She had a love for her own family and her relatives. She was passionate about saving her people. And she laid her life on the line because of her love for her family. Had she been a lesser woman who cared only for pleasure for a season, she would have thought, “Well, what can I do about all of this? I can’t save anyone — I would be killed.” But, no, she was a virtuous woman and strength and honour were her clothing. She remained honorable and strong, even though she had the bad news that all of her relatives were about to be murdered. I don’t think she even understood what she did, really. I think she just remembered her own relatives, the ones she was close with. She didn’t want to see them die. I don’t think she was all that religious about it. But out of her own heart, she didn’t want to see her loved ones die. Of course, she saved the Jewish nation and she saved the lineage of Christ. But I doubt she realized that at first. Esther was just doing what Esther was used to doing. She obeyed her uncle as she always had as a child. And in so doing, she did something revolutionary. She also understood the authority of the King.

Esther or Vashti

And ya know, Esther understood that her husband the King wasn’t even a believer. But she knew that he was her authority. She pleased the King with her meekness and her beauty. The King loved Esther and she pleased him. She obtained grace and favor. The King saw that he could give his heart to her. “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her.”

Oh, God, please give us ladies today the heart of Esther. She obeyed God in the face of fear. Esther obeyed her uncle in her childhood home. She had a habit of obeying the head of the house. And as she continued to do this, she saved a nation. That is so powerful.

And, oh, my silly kids! Dan has a new tattoo that says “Lord save my soul.” I said to Dan, “I hope the Lord does save your soul.” And he said, “I do, too.” On John’s time sheet at work, it says John and then his number is 316. So Christine says every time she sees it, she sees John 3:16. The Lord has such a heavy calling on my children. Like a holy mist of oil about them. Mother’s tears and prayers surround them. I love their Daddy and I love them and the grandbabies. They are far from perfect, for sure. But they were brought up to respect their parents and they sure have been there for us. Dan gave us 95 bucks and told us he didn’t need it.

All of the kids have been so sweet. Oh, what stinkers, but they are obeying God as they respect Jim and me. They are so glad Papa didn’t die. And they have to know it was a miracle. They were all there when the doctor said it was a good chance that he would die in surgery.

Yesterday, as Jim’s brother was at the hospital, he asked Mary and Brandon if they knew Jesus and they both said they did. Bob asked Mary, “Do you read the Bible, Mary?” And she said, “Oh, yes, I read about four translations.” And I know she does.

But those kids can get into more trouble. I guess it all has to do with their calling. But for me as their mother, mercy, what a life. But I know I love God and I want to do His will. I have a passion to know Him and to walk with Him. I don’t want to sin or give my life to this world. And so as I go, I have to know that He is with me. I don’t sin on purpose and I know that He is with me to forgive me.

Sometimes our lives go terribly wrong. I imagine that Daniel thought of that when he got thrown in the lions den. He had obeyed God and was thrown in a den to be eaten. I imagine he may have thought, “Hey, thanks a lot.” But, no, Daniel prayed and God saved him. And just think — Daniel’s life was written about in the Bible. His act of faith was published. Daniel wasn’t of this world. He lived by the rules of another world. He was a dreamer and a visionary. He heard the voice of God. And as he went, as he obeyed God, he saw many miracles. It was a habit with Daniel to put God first and to obey Him, even in the small things.

And I will never forget as a young mom sitting, rocking my baby, and I prayed to Jesus, “Lord, is this all I am called to do?” And Jesus said to the ears of my heart, “Connie, your life will be told all over the world.” I thought the Lord meant all over my town. Of course, I couldn’t understand that I would write about all the victories I have written about. I didn’t know the goodness of God or what the Lord would do in my life. But I kept calling upon Him and He kept answering me and showing me great and mighty things that I knew not.

He was testing me and wanting to know what I would do. You know? In the dark, in the tight places? What was I like when it was just me and the children at home? When Jim wasn’t there, who was I? When no one could see me, who was I? He was watching me and the angels were with Him. “Who is this Connie girl? Will she walk with Me? Even when she looks stupid and all seems to be lost?” He talked it over with the angels. Jesus wondered, “Should I marry her, and share my secrets with her?”

Each of our lives, as wives, hangs in the balance. Will we be an Esther or a Vashti?

I went up to see Jim this evening. Char and Jay, our neighbors, drove me up. The kids came this morning. Then Bonnie and Chuck came up, who are also very good friends. Anyway, they were teasing me about my positive confessions. Bonnie said, “I asked Connie how Jim was doing right after he had his heart attack and Connie said he was progressing. And I said, ‘Well, what is he doing?’ and Connie said, ‘He’s unconscious.’” We all laughed so hard over that. All the while, Jim is telling everyone that he doesn’t have to take any medication and won’t probably go back to work for at least 2 weeks. I laughed so hard I could hardly stand up.

Then Char started telling me about this old boyfriend she used to have who tried to borrow money from all of her friends and she didn’t know about it. I have laughed so hard this evening, I felt like I have been to a party.

Jim is doing good and they can’t barely keep him in bed. He takes no pain medication. But he takes his other meds. When I asked him this morning if his chest hurt, he said, “No, why?” I said I just thought having open heart surgery might hurt. He said it didn’t. I dunno — I know the Lord is keeping Wild Man.

I had to tell these funny stories before bed or I will laugh all night. I hope Jim can come home soon. I miss him.

Good Morning Dear Ladies,

This morning I was awakened by a phone call at 6:00 A.M. It was a man’s voice asking me how I was. I said, “Who is this?” And Wild Man yells, “ITS ME … JIM!?” Oh, how funny. It was like hearin’ from Lazarus back from the dead.

He is in his own room now and out of Intensive Care. Yesterday I went to see him and he was sitting up eating a chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy, and a dinner roll and vegetable soup. Not clear broth and jello as I had expected. I thought I was seeing things! Just the day before, he was hooked up to everything but the kitchen sink. He was on a catheter and other things. But yesterday they had him up walking. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Well, I know for a regular by-pass surgery, this would be the case. They get them right up. But, see, the first night he went in, the doctors told me and the kids that Jim would probably die. They said, “He is very sick and we have done all we can do. We can’t do anymore.” They even told our family that we would have to decide how long we wanted to keep him on a breathing tube, as this was the only way he would stay alive. I, of course, didn’t confess this. But Johnny called Christian Joy and told her that and, of course, she was devastated. But the breathing tube came out in about 3 days. When they took it out in front of me, as I was alone in the room, I almost threw up. I didn’t know if he could breath or not. But Wild Man breathed fine. The Show must go on! But to go through all that on Saturday and to have him call this morning. Oh, what a riot!

Doctors even gave me the idea that he wouldn’t be able to walk for a long time. But he has been up walkin’. He is a Miracle! Thanks for the prayers, ladies. He is a walking miracle.

This morning, I said, “Honey, does your chest hurt?” He says, “No, Why?” He isn’t in any pain. He is worried about his leg where they took the veins out to repair his heart. Wow, he is something else!

Well, so he is on the move again and Mama is happy. I am goin’ to the hospital at 9:00. I have to call Jim’s sister now. So better close. Thanks for the support.

Ya know how I told you the story about Jimmy, our son who drove me home from the hospital Sunday night. How he said, “Mom, I would like to get real upset over this but I know you wont have it.” Well, there was a second part to this story, too.

I told Jimmy, “Ya know, Honey, the old time Mothers were like that. They were strong. A mother who had children stayed calm, as to not upset all of her family.” I mean, you want to keep the faith goin’ and not let sorrow and fear take over. I told Jimmy, “Ya know, Gram (my mother) just cheered us all on when Grandpa (my dad) died. The Mother plays a very important role in the healing of the family. She has to hold them strong … it won’t do for the mother to fall apart. She is older and should have a handle on her faith. The young adult children don’t have the experience in faith to hold on when things go wrong.” And we Mothers teach our children valuable lessons as we stand strong when the winds of adversity blow.

We can tell our kids, “You need God.” But they are not impressed with that. Many times a mother must walk alone through the valley of the shadows to show her kids how to do it. Very valuable lessons are taught and cut into our children’s souls as we don’t fall when Satan pushes us. Oh, I am flesh and blood and so human. So full of fear at times. But if I was a naturally strong person, then God couldn’t use me. I have to be able to be easily touched by my children and my dear husband.

We want to be hard sometimes so that we cant be hurt. But God uses us mothers in our tenderness. We are married women and are helpers and not lady preachers. We are to get under our families and under-gird them with our faith and love. Not our perfectness, so perfect that we cant be touched. We are made from our men, their helpers. We should be strong to talk to the doctors and to let them know that we are capable of making it all the way through.

Miss Charlotte was such an encouragement to me in all of this. I wore a nice long winter coat to the hospital. “Conni, you look rich — your coat matches your eyes.” I knew that she was tryin’ to add her strength to mine. She knew I was worried about how we would pay for all this luxury. (By the way, I got the coat at the Salvation Army for 2 bucks. But it is a London Fog and is all wool and full length.) But, ya know, we have to be women of strength and dignity. I wanted the doctors and nurses to know that Jim had family that loved and adored him. And that we wanted the best of care for him.

I told his nurse, “Jim is much loved of his children and grandchildren. He is a wonderful husband to me. We have been married almost 40 years.” I was covering the fear that was in my heart and I really wanted to say, “Please don’t make any mistakes with Jim’s life — I would die without him.” But, of course, we are women of dignity, right? And we only open our mouth with wisdom and kindness is the law upon our lips.

Well, I need to get goin’ and see what needs to be done for the day. We as the Hultquist Family appreciate your prayers for our dear Jim. He is much better but still in Intensive Care.

I am up cleaning and cooking and getting ready for my day. Johnny will pick me up this morning to go to the hospital about midmorning. He is off today so we can go together. Thank the Lord, they took Jim’s breathing tube out yesterday. I almost threw up when they did, as I had a fear he wouldn’t be able to breath on his own. But he is fine. And when I had to leave, Jim called out, “Good-Bye, Honey Bun.”

Aunt Toot said that Jim is the KING of the Come-back Kids! I agree with that. See, he hasn’t been able to talk because of the breathing hose in his mouth. All he could do was squeeze my hand or shake his head yes and no. We are so relieved that he is on the mend.

I haven’t been hardly eating so I am making bean soup this morning so I can have that to eat for a few days. I am going to write in small parts today as I have so much on my mind. I need to go wash my hair and then I will come back and tell ya how I made my soup. I have to have time to dry my hair so I can have it fixed before I go to the hospital.

Bean Soup

Well, I just got my hair washed so it can dry before I go to the hospital. My hair is very long and will take some time to dry.

The house smells wonderful with the fragrance of the Bean Soup in the oven. I just used the package of dried beans that has all the different kinds of beans in it. I bring them to a boil, then turn them off and let ‘em rest. Then I drain them of that water and rinse them and put ‘em back in the soup pot. Then I added a half pound of fried and drained hamburger. Some sliced onion and green peppers, garlic powder, salt and pepper. Then I added some of the frozen tomatoes I had in the freezer from last summer’s garden, and a can of tomato soup and taco seasoning. Then water to cover it all. I put this all in the oven with a lid on a low heat like about 250 degrees. This way, I can have it anytime this afternoon. Whenever I am home from the hospital to eat. Oh, La _Dee_ Da!