Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Funny Stories

Good Morning! Praise the Lord. I feel the Lord is helping me to feel better. I had been so discouraged lately. I feel like all is well.

If I were to ask the lord for anything, it would be courage. I feel that He gives me wisdom through His word. But I so lack the courage. I feel like I need so much more backbone and spine. I can sure see why so many women my age are on nerve pills. But, heck, I ain’t goin’ to a doctor and pay out a hundred bucks for him to tell me I am nervous. I know that!

Now, I have told you all about the valerian I tried years ago? Well, it’s such a funny story — I have to tell it again.

It was the summer of 1999. A lady who was getting my Happy Housewifery Newsletter wanted to trade fresh herbs with me through the mail. I had just planted my valerian and I had feverfew, too. But it had just started growing and I didn’t know what I had. So I knew valerian would make me sort of tired. So it was early afternoon and I made some tea with the valerian leaves. You are supposed to use the roots. But my plant was new and hadn’t established a real root system. So I made a cup of tea with the leaves and I didn’t feel any different. So I drank another cup and felt ok. But I kept thinkin’ “Well, I don’t know if this is valerian or not.” So I drank cup after cup of this, trying to figure out what it was.

Well, Jim was at work and got home at about 4:00 in the afternoon. Oh Boy! All that valerian tea hit all at once. Jim comes in and sits down and is trying to talk to me about his day and my eyes just close like I am toy doll or something. I would be just talking and it was “Good Night” — my eyes would close and not come back open. Like they were glued shut. I knew that it was the valerian. So I sit there and talk to Jim real normal with my eyes shut. Still tryin’ to pull this off. Finally, Jim says to me, “What in the world is the matter with you?” Well, then I had to tell him what happened. No way could I fix supper. I finally had to just go to bed and I slept the night.

Another funny story is this. I wanted some gravel for the driveway but we couldn’t afford rocks? So the city was cutting down some trees and they were grinding up the wood for mulch. I asked if I could have the mulch from my neighbors tree only. But what the guy did was go all over town and cut and mulch a bunch of trees and then, when I wasn’t looking, he dumped all of the mulch in my driveway.

Well, my driveway is only from the street to the sidewalk in length. I was crazy when I saw this huge mountain of mulch in my driveway. The deal was that Jim would be home from work in a few hours and needed to park in the driveway. So I run out with a rake and tried to flatten the hill. That mulch went almost to my waist? I took some away in a wheelbarrow and dumped it around every plant I had. But it was so much mulch (wood shavings), so I kept working on it, trying to do anything under the sun with it.

When Jim gets off work, he likes it quiet? Coming to his driveway loaded with mulch is not a relaxing thing for him to come home to. So I am workin’ like a dog with this mountain of mulch. So I knew I wouldn’t get it all hauled away before he got home so I thought I will just flatten it and widen the driveway. So I worked on that. This took me at least 2 hours.

Well, I flattened the driveway with the mulch as best I could. I thought, “Well, he could get the car in, anyway.” But it was so funny. I was still workin’ on it when Jim got home from work. Well, I thought the driveway was flat? But it wasn’t and he had to drive the car up on like a ramp? So here I am beside the driveway and he is up in the air with the car. I always give it my best shot and act like, “What else is new?”

That night Jim had to fix my supper. Here I am, a stay at home Mom, and Jim had to come home and fix my supper. Well, I was famished and couldn’t even get up off the couch. My friends have laughed for years over it.

Well, I guess I need funny stories to get my blood to circulate. Being me, funny stories are usually easy to come by.

Jim is sitting here and I asked him about what he thought the funniest thing was that happened around here. He said it was when John, at about 14, had this tent that he slept in during the summer. It was right beside the house. As soon as Jim and I would get ready to doze off to sleep, we would hear firecrackers go off at night. The next morning, Jim would ask John who was setting firecrackers off a night? And John would say he didn’t know — he hadn’t heard anything. Well, Jim would go out and look in the tent and couldn’t find any explosives. Well, as the weather cooled, Jim decided to take the tent down and, underneath the tent, was thousands of firecrackers. John said he didn’t know where they came from. Of course, John got in alotta trouble for that.

John was always grounded! He loved explosives. Every time I left the house I said, “John, don’t you dare light anything up. We don’t have fire insurance and you will burn the house down.” But, thank the Lord, he never did. It was Mom who almost burned the house down twice. John could have a firecracker lit in both ears and tell us he had given up lighting firecrackers. Boy, was he hard to raise! He is fine now but back then, when he was about 13 or 14, it’s a wonder we didn’t kill him.

One time he was sassin’ me in the hallway and I pushed him backward into the window. He broke the window and almost went out it. Jim told me to quit trying to throw John out the window.

Then John, when he was about 16, bought these huge pants. They cost 50 dollars. They were gross. When John was gone one day, I took them pants and cut out all the seams and laid them flat like a tablecloth. Wow, was the boy mad. He told everyone I had cut up all of his clothes and he didn’t have any clothes. Slight exaggeration, huh? But I had the 3 little ones still at home and couldn’t stand John standing there with his pants hangin’ off. Jim got after him, too, and would take his jeans and hide them.

Then we went through the piercing with John. He had an earring in his lip. One day, when a very nice homeschooling mom was here, John shot milk through the hole in his lip. I was not impressed.

Right after Dan and David graduated from homeschool and left home, they got tattoos. Dan wore the huge earrings. He stuck cigs in the holes in his ears. They have since settled down. Thank God!

My life has been a comedy of errors. I am positive everyone thinks I am nuts. It’s no wonder I don’t feel exactly up to starting a Revolution. I really feel like I have the knowledge and vision but not the guts. I am getting tooo old for this stuff.

Seriously, if you all know of anyone who could encourage me who has started a Revolution, please send them this email. I need about a hundred angels to help me. Maybe I could send them a pretend email and who knows they may get it? I know the astronauts can email from outer space. So who knows where these emails go to. I think I will send an email to the angels. Stay tuned.

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