Kelly was asking what to make with an uncut-up whole chicken. They are 49¢ a pound in her local store. Well, that is such a good price, I would buy at least two if you can afford it.

To bake it, I just take the paper off, wash it, and put it in a big pan and bake it. I put mine in frozen without a lid. Well, heck, I always cook things frozen. I mean if it is thawed out, then that is better. But I would just put the oven on about 350º to kill it. I mean if it’s frozen, it will take a while to bake it. I would put it on about 350º for about an hour. Then at about 200º for about an hour. Well, it depends on how stubborn the bird is and how big. But put the bird in, upside down, with the breasts down in the pan with some water. When it is done, cut the breasts off … OUCH! Ain’t that barbaric! Oh, well! Anyway, then you could use the white meat for whatever you usually use it for.

Then you have the rest of the bones and meat. So just put the carcass in a big pot on the stove and cover it with water. Cook this meat on the stove until all the meat falls off the bones. You are making a soup stock or broth and this can be used just like the cans of broth in the store. To the chicken water, just add herbs and spices. Put in about a tsp of salt and black pepper. Some onion and carrots or green peppers. Maybe some garlic or celery. Cook this about an hour or simmer it for the day.

When it is all done, get out your strainer and a big bowl. Pour this soup, with the bones and chicken and veggies, into a strainer with the bowl underneath. The broth that comes through is just plain broth like you get in the store. Now in your strainer will be hunks of meat. Just pick the meat out and use it for casseroles or for soup or whatever. The rest of the stuff in the strainer, I would throw away. I would feed it to the cat, if Peggy or Chance would eat it, but they won’t.

The broth can be frozen and used for making gravy or soup or stew.

To make a chicken gravy:

Just get out your big cast iron skillet and put some grease in it, about a Tbs or 2. Then put in about a fourth cup of flour and mix it good with the grease. Then throw in about 3 cups of the homemade chicken broth. Stir constantly until it bubbles. If it gets too thick, add some milk to thin it down to a gravy. Just add salt and pepper.

Now, this gravy can be used just like canned cream of chicken soup. I would make up some baking powder biscuits and have biscuits and gravy. Just serve this with mashed potatoes or a few cans of vegetables to make a nice hardy meal for a large family.

Last night on TV, Jim and I watched the Gaithers. We enjoy their singing. And yet I kept thinking to myself how much I would love to be listening to bluegrass music. I have some, and I know when I get the house to myself I will be listening to it. Also some of the other music from the Appalachian mountains. I long to take my place next to some of the people who have known the deep grief and suffering. The out of the mainstream folks who are poor and somehow made it. I almost quiver as I write. I so long to hear their voices. Voices of a hard pioneer stock. Gentle folks with hearts torn and yet able to go on to live for the ones they love.

I think of Suzanna Wesley who had 19 children and lost, I think, 10? I wonder how she lived through all of that? But she did live and, through her life, she brought up sons who brought revival to England. John Wesley preached the sermons and Charles wrote the songs. Suzanna’s husband was in debtor prison most of the time and he was hardly home. But Suzanna home schooled her children and went on. Oh, the tests and trials she went through. And the Lord kept her, huh? And He can keep the rest of us, too.

Ya just put your shoulder to the plow and keep on walking. As Shirley told me (Jim’s older brother’s wife who lost 2 girls as a young mother), “Connie, you just keep on walking and doing whatever is in front of you to do. Be thankful for the time you had with the baby and go on.”

And as Mary tells me, “Mom, pray for me as I have Brandon to live for and care for … he needs me.” And I know I must live on, too. Jim has to go to work today. I need to put my house in order. There are things to do … thoughts to write out. I think of the news on TV about our gas prices going up this winter. We mothers must look at this in a sober way. What is our plan? Papa and I plan on getting mighty cold.

Oh, that’s OK — I have been cold before. About 5 years ago, our gas prices for one month went from like 70 bucks to like 500 bucks. Everyone in our area had that happen. So I shut the heat off altogether. If I heard the heat kick on at night, I would get up and shut it off. (The kids were all older. I wouldn’t do that if my children were young.) We used a little kerosene heater. But I didn’t even have it on at all at night. My dog would greet me each morning and cry by the kerosene burner for me to turn it on. I hated to make my dog cry but she had fur, for crying out loud, and slept inside. But we all wore our coats and hats to bed. I wore, always, two pairs of socks and sometimes three. Our heat bill went down to 25 bucks. And after that, the bills went down somewhat so we turned the heat back on. I would try to bake each morning, too, and I had my stove on in the kitchen. Being out of the wind makes you warmer, anyway. So it isn’t as cold inside as out. If I got so cold I couldn’t function, I would take a really hot bath.

Dan tells me now that when Jim and I would leave the house, he would turn the gas heat on and get warm. And Mary was still at home and was probably glad for Dan. But ya know, I am not going to live to support the Gas Co. And now that it is just me and wild man here to hold down the fort, we will kick out all the props and go without any heat at all if we have to. Well, a person can’t go without ANY heat, as your house-pipes would freeze and that’s a mess if they pop.

One joke the boys told Jim lately that is too funny to keep down. They said that when Jim died, they would bury him in the backyard. They said, “The old home place wouldn’t be the same if Dad wasn’t there.” So Jim has to stay here, no matter what. I don’t know what they will do with me. I shudder to think of it? Christine, Johnny’s wife, said that she was gonna have Johnny stuffed. She wants to sit him by the front door and hang purses on him. John said that he was always holding her purse, anyway. Oh, those kids!

But, yes, this winter we will have to get very creative to keep warm. But ya know, this is no time to be depressed or to worry over stuff that God has a hold of, anyway. There is a hard winter up ahead and we must be ready for it. And we can make it if we are wise and prudent.

Dang … ya know? When things like gas prices go up, it hits the poor first. This economy doesn’t touch the rich for a while. But the poor are the ones who feel the pinch first. The poor later show the rich how to live. Like I have often said, “Well, it looks like folks are gonna have to live as Papa and me have lived all along.”

One way I would dress when I had barely any heat was the following. I would wear jogging pants under my skirt and wear a few layers of shirts and a sweater. Then the warm socks. And if it was really cold, I wore my coat over all of that. And then keep busy and running and you will stay warm. The layers of clothes are a way to keep warm.

With my burner, this is what I would do. I would get up early in the morning and light the kerosene burner. Never keep it on at night, or unattended. Don’t leave it on when you aren’t home. You can’t use these with little kids — they would run into it and get burned. Anyway, I would leave the burner on all morning until the house warmed up. Then, for the afternoon, I turned it off until the evening. We warmed the house up again and then shut it off for the night. Also, we had a lot of ventilation, as the kids would run in and out of the house. And we had to put the dog in and out, too.

I think this would be a good thing to discuss on our group. Fear comes as folks have no plans for what they will do in an emergency. Our spirits of homemaking are so important and especially now, as in no other time. And if Mother is happy and content, the rest of the family will follow her. Mother makes the home a place to rest. And if the family sees Mother making a game of it or taking the cold in stride, then they will, too. But ya know, we just have to pray and ask the Lord what to do. What would He have our families to do about he high gas prices? How will He lead us along?

And just make sure that you have things in the pantry to make things with. Buy as much flour as you can. Pick it up on sale … that and other baking supplies. Honey is so outrageously priced anymore. We usually have a small jar around but I don’t use it to cook with anymore. I just use sugar as I have to. I can’t afford to use honey. And that’s OK — I ain’t gonna go broke over vitamins and nutrition. The Lord is my vitamin pill. He is my gos-pill.

So yesterday the rest of the out-of-town kids left. Just before John and his wife Christine left, Mary asked us, “Do you all want to go out to the cemetery to see the cross Brandon made for the baby?” Well, it was very late and we all knew that, by the time we got out there, it would be pitch dark. And yet Mary and Brandon were grieving, and so we all said we would go out.

Papa had bought a half dozen more dark pink roses for Mary. In the dark of the graveyard, Mary put the roses around the wooden cross that Brandon had made, as it stuck out of the ground at Baby’s grave-site. Mommy and Daddy to Chloe Faye sat with a flashlight, crumpled on the ground, somehow making up Baby’s bed for the night.

And this morning, I awoke not hurting as much as I had … knowing we all must go on in Jesus. The Lord gave me the scripture as I awoke this morning, “He gives us beauty for ashes, the oil of Joy for mourning, the garments of praise for the spirit of heaviness. We are the trees of righteousness, the plantings of the Lord and Jesus is glorified.” I just wrote that from the memory of it in my heart. I hope it is right.

How many times I have had to take on the garments of praise! And I know, as a seasoned believer, that He gives us beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning. Yes, Jesus is still on the throne.

Ya know Emily, Dixie’s daughter, is a precious saint of God. She is 28, I think, or right at that age? Her Mama, Dixie, died about 3 years ago. Emily told Jill she had a vision of her Mother just lately. Em didn’t know whether to tell our family about it or not. But Jill encouraged Em to tell us. Emily said to me at the cemetery, “Connie, I had a dream of Mom. And she said, ‘It’s alright. Baby Chloe Faye is in heaven with me. Don’t worry about it.’” I asked Emily to tell Mary. And when Em started to tell Mary, Mary said a peace just came over her, even before Em finished telling her. When Emily said those few sentences, we all felt such an anointing come upon us. Like the Lord had anointed us with His truth.

Heaven? Oh, I dunno. I guess I have thought of it a lot over the years. But heaven is a different place to me now. It’s more real. I don’t know everything about it. But I know Dixie went there, and Chloe Faye. And I know that Dixie would help God watch over our Baby there. I just know Dixie … and I know she wouldn’t let anything happen to our baby girl. I do search the scriptures for references on heaven. It seems my heart has swung open to a feeling of heaven that I can’t explain. I know my heart is partly with Baby in heaven and partly with Mary on earth. But ya know, Dixie would never flinch and was always so matter of fact. I can see her in heaven, even now, with the angels caring for Baby.

Papa also got a half dozen red roses to put on the baby’s casket, to stand between her and the soil. Mary told the undertaker, “Now, we want these flowers to be on top of the casket.” And Mary laid wildflowers on the casket, too, and Brandon’s Mom laid wildflowers. And yes, we know that the Rose of Sharon, Jesus Christ, is with our baby.

Papa planted the Rose of Sharon bushes at the side of our house last spring and they are all in bloom now. And I think of the wilderness rose that blooms in a dry and thirsty land. I think of how the Lord gives us miracles in the place where no other miracles have bloomed before. I feel the presence of angels as I write. And I said to God last night, “Lord, how will I live from now on? I feel so fearful.”

And the Lord said to me, “Connie, I know that, and I will help you over this.”

I think we feel so condemned if we don’t have faith all the time. But ya know what? We are just human beings? God knows we are made of the dust? I am His girl and He will care for me and my children. He would have to.

Yesterday morning was Baby’s funeral. This morning I woke up with the weight of the world upon my chest. I prayed, “Oh God, how will I make it now for the rest of my life?”

And the Lord speaks to my heart, “Neglect not the gift that is within you.” And of course, my gift is writing.

It was the most spiritual and lovely funeral I have ever been to. Mary picked a little country graveyard. Not far away was a fence with cows grazing peacefully.

Folks began to gather about the tent. I saw our Christian Joy come over the hill and she took one look at the funeral and began to walk quickly the other way. And then ran, as hard as she could, up to a grassy hilltop. I ran after her calling her. She fell upon the ground and wept and sobbed. “Mom, I can’t take it.” My heart laid down with my precious daughter, age 31. I sat with her on the ground and rubbed her legs and feet and comforted her.

Mary saw her and came up to the hilltop with us and ministered to our Christian Joy … her precious sister. Our Mary was the rock as I knew she would be. Chrissy got back up as Mary gave her a little job to do. In the service, Mary sang a song I had made up and sang to Mary as a baby, called “Baby Fat Cheeks.” And Mary sang it to Chloe Faye as one last song before we had to say good-bye to our darling baby.

Papa wrote a letter to her and read it. At the end of the letter it read, “Chloe Faye, Grandpa will see you some day soon, so make room for Grandpa in heaven.” And afterwards, Jim placed the letter in Baby’s casket.

Others said farewell to Chloe Faye … only 6 weeks old … and yet huge in our lives, and none of us will ever be the same. Mary and Brandon had a wonderful service for their precious firstborn baby.

After the service, we all went up on a hill by the tent. And Mary had white balloons with helium in them. The family wrote letters to Chloe with black felt markers. Mary tied her message balloon with Brandon’s balloon. She let theirs go first and then the rest of us let our balloons go. And in the background, our friend Glenn played on his bagpipes “Amazing Grace.” And, oh, our Savior’s grace is amazing. We watched the balloons fly away like white birds flying to heaven with a message. There was about 20 balloons. The sight was so breathtaking … so uplifting.

We are all forever changed by Chloe’s life and death.

Later at a dinner, a dear friend told me, “Connie, you should write a book.”

I said, “I am. I am!”

I would die of a broken heart if I didn’t have the gift of writing. And a writer must write. God has ahold of my neck and it’s write or die. Of course, I would rather die. But it is not my time to go and, if I don’t obey God, I will live to regret it.

I feel locked, at times, in a basket hung over the edge. I live on a branch that hangs over troubled waters. And on this branch, the Lord has called me to make a nest. To not look down, to trust in God, to keep on going. I feel like I am put together with paper clips and scotch tape. And all my paper clips have sprung loose. And what holds me back from falling over my cliff is one piece of tape. And yet God’s Amazing Grace keeps me. And He who made us never slumbers or sleeps. He is with us always.

Yes, He is amazing. Was His grace sufficient for me and my family in this heartache and sadness? Yes, His grace is sufficient.

THE BEES

In the midst of all of this hell, the kids, as always, make me laugh.

Yesterday the girls all went shopping. So David was left with Baby Rose, and John was in charge of Romeo Paul, age 3. I had laid down with Rose. So John, Dan, and David went for a walk with Romeo. I call them the 3 stooges in charge of Romeo. Well, they all walked to this old cemetery in our small town. John, when he was 16, had jumped off a cliff there on his skate board … so they were just walking around there with Romeo.

At home, I am trying to get Baby Rose to sleep. BUT David forgot to bring Rose’s doll Emily and her blanket. And trust me, Rose ain’t gonna settle without her baby and blanket. So I called David on his cell and Jim was going to take him home to get the doll and blanket. Tiff had David’s car. David says, “Well, Mom, we were all stung by bees here at the cemetery. We are trying to get settled here and then we will be back home.” David is so calm about it.

I said, “Is this a Johnny story for being late?” John, now 30, used to have more excuses as a child here at home as to why he was late getting home. He lost his watch … his watch mysteriously stopped? His friend had a watch but it was broke and told John the wrong time? Someone lied to him about what time it was?

Anyway, Jim gets in the car and goes after the boys and, yes indeed, they had been stung by a horde of bees. Well, I got out the baking soda and made a paste with water and daubed it on John, Dan and Romeo. David didn’t get stung at all, that he knew of. But Dan got stung a lot on his head. So he took his shoe off and beat his head with it to get the bees off. Dan had such a headache.

I mean to most people, this stuff ain’t funny? To all of us, we are rolling in hilarity. It wasn’t funny that Romeo, age 3, got stung on the ear and his ear was so red and swollen. Also on his hands. Gram doctored him up. But we have all congratulated Romeo because he was a man and didn’t cry. Romeo said that when they went into the cemetery there was a sign that said “Keep Out.” But no one would listen to him because he is just a kid. The smartest one among them was Romeo. Well, Romeo will never forget that and will tell that story many times in his lifetime. Who could ever take the place in his life of Uncle Dan and Uncle David and Daddy? And Grandpa who came and picked them up and brought them home? But oh, what a lesson here to Romeo to take life as it comes. To laugh at yourself and be a man and not cry.

Romeo is young. What will life hand him?

Today is Dan’s wedding … a joyous day. And tomorrow, the hardest day of my life, will be to bury Chloe Faye. And yet, I will have my children about me to ease the pain. The Lord doesn’t give us more than we can bear.

DAN AND SUZIE

Another very funny thing happened, too. John stayed overnight at Dan’s house Thursday night. Well, Suzie was asleep on the couch but Dan thought she was beside him and it was John? Don’t ask me why. Well, John is a heavy sleeper. And Dan, thinking he was Suzie, cuddled up to him. Then when John started to wake up, Dan caught his hand and told him he loved him and kissed his hand, thinking John was Suzie. Well, John was then awake and flew out of the bed and asked Dan why he kissed his hand.

Well Suzie is sooo funny, too. Suzie couldn’t wait to tell this story. So when they came to our house Friday, she ran ahead into the house and acted real mad. She says, “I don’t know if I want to marry Dan or not — I think he is more in love with Johnny.” Well, we have laughed and laughed over this.

Dan’s only comment is, “I am disappointed in myself.” We will all tease Dan about this for years to come.

I tell Dan, “Quit kissing up to Johnny.”

Yes I am disappointed that Dan and Suzie have lived together before they were married. But all in all, I must receive their love and comfort and go on. They are my kids. Sometimes rotten to the core, but they are Papa’s seed … my own children. “They are yours, Lord. I am not taking them back.” And God will make it alright, huh? He walks with us through the valley of the Shadows of Death and we fear no evil for He is with us.

Today is Dan’s wedding day. A day of joy and happiness.

JOHN AND DANNY

Yesterday morning, John started talking to me at the dining room table as we were sitting there drinking coffee. As soon as he started to talk, Dan came up behind him with his guitar and started to play it as hard as he could. I said, “Dan, I cant hear John with you playing the guitar like that.”

Dan stops a minute to say, “Well, I know what he is gonna say and I don’t want him to say it.” Johnny wanted to talk about the Lord and Dan said he didn’t want us to be serious. We were all so sad and Dan wanted things to stay upbeat.

But I said, “Danny, I want to hear what Johnny says.” Johnny is coming back to the Lord and I knew he had an opinion about the news and the hurricane. Finally, Dan put the guitar down and got in the conversation.

Johnny said, “Mom, you are the strongest woman of faith I have ever known. I don’t have to try to find someone spiritual to talk to — I have you. And Dad is more of the world and the flesh. He is the strongest man I have ever known.” And Papa sat there playing with one of the babies and half listening. John said, “Mom, us kids are made up of you and Dad. Dad is my self and my realness in this world. You have been, at times, my conscience. Mom, you always knew when I was doing wrong. You didn’t know, but something inside you told you. And you would catch me red handed so many times and you didn’t even know it. You are so innocent. And Dad usually knows whats going on in a different way.” Of course, the whole time he is saying this I am doing a bunch of stuff. Lots of interruptions and coming back to the table to talk. I, of course, long to be able to sit with John with things quiet so that we can really talk.

Dan said, “Mom, you are like an angel of wisdom?”

Oh, how our children encouraged Jim and me. They gave us courage to live and to breathe and to go on. How could we make it without the prayers of the body of Christ … and, oh, our dear children. Our dear Suzie and Christine and Tiff … the daughters-in-law. Oh, such precious girls. MaryL says, “Connie, they were attracted to your boys — they have to be special.” They are special!!!! And, oh, at this age, as they are young adults, it’s the hardest time for a mother and grandmother. A mother’s wisdom is shaken, again and again, as if the house will fall down completely.

John said, “Mom, you are the temple of God.”

I said, “Yes, we all are as we house Jesus Christ.”

John said, “Mom, Jimmy thinks you are for the preachers on TV. But most of we kids understand that you have a personal relationship to Christ … it’s not all about money and the church building … it’s all about who you are and what makes you tick.”

I said, “Yes, it’s all about your reality. Who guides you? What’s in you?” John started to say that we can believe in other gods. I said, “John, that is a step to Christ. We find out as we chase other gods that they fail again and again. But often, ya gotta find out what don’t work in your spiritual journey. Finding Christ is a whole lot more than running down a church isle and saying, ‘I receive Christ as my personal Savior.’ Sure, that is part of it? Only Jesus can save us … not our works of righteousness. Only His blood and death at Calvary can save us. But Christ is not a theory. And the word of God is not to be read as a set of rules. The word is the voice of God. It’s a spiritual book. And we find the true and living Christ as we seek the Lord. No one is gonna get it all right in one day. I mean maybe some folks do. But life is a process? We die daily with Christ. We learn to take up the cross and follow Him.”

I thought that, since I had told the kids about the Lord and told them to pray the prayer of faith in Christ, now they would be perfect. I did all the right things as a mother with my children. But oh mercy, dear Mothers. Life is a process. Just as I had to seek the Lord to find Him, my children must seek Him to find Him. Our children are a part of us. But God’s first.

OUR CHILDREN

And ya know when we feel we have been good mothers and our kids do something wrong? Oh, we feel that we did something so wrong. Especially we homeschool mothers who are dedicated to the Lord. But ya know what? The word says that we are to bring our children up in the Lord and when they are old they will not depart from the Lord. That scripture doesn’t say that our children will be perfect at 18 years old.

You know, when we are done homeschooling them? I would have home schooled my kids through college. I would have, if they would have let me. I never wanted for them to leave this house. And I think their hearts grieve over the sins they get into. They know that they have broken Mama’s heart. But these children are not mine. They are only on a loan from God. They must find the living Christ as I have. We can’t make someone know something they don’t know. We Mothers must wait upon the Lord and trust in Him. We have prayed for them and been diligent to guide them. But it is only Jesus Christ who can touch them in their souls and spirits.

It is a supernatural thing to know Jesus. We Moms are not supernatural … we are just flesh and blood and beggars, ourselves, for His presence. My children see my strength and think its Mom’s strength. No, it is Christ’s strength. I have learned to know Him through the school of hard knocks. And my children will have to learn to know Him, too. And mistakes will be made along the way. But we, as older moms, should be strong enough to take it. We should be mature in Christ. Able to take the disappointments and heartache. The kids are young … they will learn to walk with Jesus, as we learned.

I think almost every day of Billy Graham’s son Franklin. Oh, what a bad boy he was. And yet, he learned the compassion and the love of Christ as he watched his Mother’s and Dad’s patience with him.

When we Mothers pour prayer and forgiveness into our children when they are being awful, it is a building block for their spiritual lives. We get their attention as in no other way. They hear our hearts speaking. We etch our words upon their hearts through turning our own hearts around to forgive and to trust in them again and again. We help them carry their loads of guilt and shame. We told them all the right things. And then they fail as they didn’t mind us. And then we help them pick up their load that they made because they didn’t listen to us. We suffer with them. We willingly humbly suffer. Not because we sinned … but they did. And we take our place at Calvary’s cross as mothers.

Jesus never sinned but died for our sins. Only He can do it. Now, as Mothers, we sin in many ways. So when our kids do wrong, then we should understand. If Jesus, who never sinned, can forgive all of us? Then we Moms should forgive our children. Who are we but forgiven sinners? Except for His grace, we would go to hell. He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords. We are only flesh and blood. Can we not learn to forgive and help another beggar pick up his burden of sin and carry it? Maybe that beggar is or own son or daughter? Or our husbands.

Jesus forgives us for His own Name’s sake. We must forgive our children for our own sake.

As I come here to the e-machine to write, I think, “Oh mercy, where would I be without the prayers of the saints?” So many precious emails. Thanks!!! Our old friends have absolutely carried our family with love and prayers.

Mary says, “Mom, will this ache in my heart ever go away?”

I tell her, “Yes, Mary. It’s gonna be alright.”

Mary is a flurry of activity. Planning the funeral and telling me what she plans to do. It’s how she is making it through. She stands with her many packages of pictures of Chloe Faye and shows them to everyone. She has written so much and reads her writings to everyone. It is her strength. It’s how she is getting through. How she is surviving.

All the kids are here except for Jimmy, our oldest, who will come in tomorrow. Each of the kids is so precious to Mary and Brandon.

Jim called Russ, Mary’s husband. “Ya gotta be a bull, Jim … ya gotta just make it through. The family needs your strength.” Mary told Jim that, after Russ said that on the phone, he got off the phone and cried. How precious, and what and where Jim and I would be without Russ and Mary, I don’t know. They just swoop in and save our hides on a regular basis.

I was so grieved yesterday and wanted to go to a clinic and get some kind of a sedative. I thought, “How will I make it through this? We have a wedding on Saturday for Dan, and then Sunday is the funeral.” I told Russ on the phone, “I can’t sleep at all and I can’t eat. How will I be strong for my family?”

And Russ told me, “How do you eat? You take a spoon and put a bit of food on it and put it in your mouth and swallow it.” In other words, you make up your mind to live and go on. You girls think I am hard on you sometimes? Well, I have learned it from the best of ‘em.

MaryL said, “Connie, you have to give all of this to the Lord and leave it there with Jesus. Jesus carried our griefs and burdens at the cross. He is our burden bearer. You can’t bear this. But Jesus can.” And somehow, I gave Him my burdens.

Mary said, “Mom I need an outfit to wear for Chloe’s funeral.” And Christian Joy heard her say that and she and Mary went shopping, and Chrissy bought Mary a new outfit. The skirt is black with rhinestones. It looks like a black sky with the twinkling stars of Chloe Faye’s smile. Mary says, “Chloe knew my voice and even now she hears me.”

Brandon follows Mary about, and her guts just keep us all going. That girl has guts and moxie like none of us knew was possible.

Our friend Chuck is doing the funeral. I had won him to the Lord 35 years ago. He says, “Imagine Mary having that much guts. I wonder where she gets it?”

And I said, “Not from me … only from the Lord.”

I didn’t go to the clinic for nerve pills. But the saints of God have just carried me on their backs. Oh, so many dear friends have come over with arm loads of food and their love and prayers.

When Jill came, the traffic had slowed down a bit here at the house. I said, “Oh, Jill, quick — pray for me.” I locked the door because when she prays … well, she don’t pussy foot around. She prayed for me and imparted some of her strength. And one of the things she said was, “Get the wisdom of God up there and walk in it. This is your answer.” And when she prayed for the wisdom of God to come upon me, it was as though I fell a few feet and the Lord caught me and locked me into a place of duty and purpose.

Each of the saints came to me and built me, brick by brick, back up. My wall had fallen and they somehow put me back together again. And Barb, the lady who I told you about who wants to learn to can? Oh my mercy, what a source of strength she has been to me … what a magnificent woman! I can’t tell you what a mountain of strength she has been for me. We were friends 25 years ago. But I can tell that we will be even better friends now. I hadn’t seen Barb in about 25 years. But lately the Lord put us back together and, oh, what a blessing she is to me.

JESUS IS THE BURDEN BEARER

And in the midst of it all, Papa fixed the hole in the roof again. And it rained yesterday and it didn’t rain in my kitchen for the first time in a long time. The guys had fixed the roof but still couldn’t get the one part fixed. But Wild man did it!!! Yaaaay Wild man!!!! And where would I be without him? I don’t know … I couldn’t tell ya. Oh, he is a source of strength.

And Brandon is such a walking tower of love and strength for Mary. At first, Mary and Brandon just were wild with grief. But I kept telling them, “Cling to each other. Mary, thank God you have a husband. And Brandon, you haven’t lost Mary — cling to her.” And they would turn to each other and take rest in their marriage. I told Mary, “Thank God, Mary, we have husbands to comfort us. Some women have no husbands and face this stuff alone. Thank God you have a good marriage … it’s the most important thing.” And as I comforted Mary, she was able to draw from Jesus.

Jim and I went over late on the day of Baby’s death to take some food to them. Mary had fixed a precious bed for Brandon in the living room so that he could watch TV. Her couch is a fold out and she had Brandon all fixed up. As Brandon watched TV, Mary ran about looking for her writings and journals she had written about Baby. I said, “Mary, don’t you want to rest?” And yet, no, she didn’t.

Brandon said, “Mary will be up all night writing.” Mary ran about the house with such purpose and then ran back to sit on the bed with her husband. Mary is a writer. Like her Mama, she has to write. Through hell and high water, Mary must write … it is her gift and her bread and butter. But her true strength in this is her marriage to Brandon. Ya know, Mary is a believer in Christ. But she is young and is learning to know Christ.

Folks have said that my home is, even now, so full of the Holy Spirit. And Wednesday night, when we went to Mary’s, the same Holy Spirit was there. Somehow I knew that what Mama did made a difference. I knew that my prayers were in Mary’s house.

At first when this tragedy happened, all I could do was tell the Lord I had no reason to go on. Jim and I both said, “Why wasn’t it one of us?” And all the relatives on Brandon’s side said that they would have stood in line to give their lives so that Baby wouldn’t have died. In such grief, we somehow lose our reason to live. And yet, when I saw Mary’s home so full of the Lord, I knew that my prayers were for a purpose. I had some purpose to be here.

Last night, I went in to bed at 8:30. The house was still so active but Mama was soooo tired. Johnny came in my bedroom and sat on the bed and told me how much he loved me. He kissed me on the cheek and it was all the sedative I needed. I didn’t wake up until 3:00, a few hours ago.

Oh yes, dear Mothers, we suffer like dogs to bring our families to Christ. And yet, it is Jesus who does it. As MaryL, my mentor, says, “Connie, you can’t bear the cross that Jesus bore. He is alive now and with us and He is the burden bearer. Give all of your burdens to Jesus.” And MaryL tells me, “Connie, if the mother is right, then her children will be right.” And I saw that for the first time when I saw the same Holy Spirit in Mary’s home as was in mine.

Oh, Mothers, we must be strong in the Lord and gather courage unto our hearts. And, yes, sometimes life is a million miles beyond our scope of understanding. And we have to give our lives to Jesus and let Him live His life through us.

I wanted to be strong for my loved ones when all of this happened. But I couldn’t be. I barely combed my hair yesterday. I kept trying to fix a meal for the family, early yesterday morning, but I couldn’t. And pretty soon, about midmorning, the Saints of God brought in food for all of us. Oh, those Saints of God!!! Angels of mercy!!!

Christine, Johnny’s wife, is such a handmaiden of the Lord. She goes about the house, cleaning it and picking up.

PRAYERS

Well, I guess I should go back to bed, as I am getting a bit tired. I should sleep awhile before the family is all up again and running. Today is the rehearsal dinner for Dan’s wedding and then Saturday is the wedding. Then Sunday is the funeral.

Yesterday, as MaryL prayed for me, I felt her breathe the breath of Christ upon me. And I am put together as I write with the breath of the saints. With the prayers of those who call upon the Lord. Your prayers for us on the email are so precious. I can’t tell you how much strength they give our families here.

Thank you so much for your love and encouragement. It has been my life … our family’s life.

It’s the middle of the night and Jim and I are up. Papa just held me in his arms and prayed. Demons had attacked me, and Jim was strong to pray for me. Oh, yes, we must go on. Jim wants for me to remain strong and yet I haven’t, and he is the one carrying this hard ball.

I repeat again and again, “Jesus is Lord to the glory of God.” I want to believe He loves me and my family. He does, doesn’t He, Lord Jesus? Yes, I know that God is love and He covers a multitude of sins. He loves me — yes, Jesus loves me. He loves us who call upon His name. Yes, He loves us.

My husband is my priest and he has prayed for me. It seems I can’t find God in all of this. But Jim is with me and I submit to him as unto the Lord.

Oh, I call upon God to find His presence. No flesh can help me … only the power of His presence. I praise His name, as I know that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I know that I have seen miracles and I know I will see even more of them. Jesus is Lord and I must continue to follow Him. I must praise Him in my grief and sorrow.

This evening two wonderful Christian men came to our home to pray with us. They were friends Jim met at work. They brought a prayer cloth that their church had prayed over. Jim and I brought the cloth over to Brandon and Mary’s. I prayed over it all the way to their house. Jim said some prayers over it, too. And when we got there, I cut the cloth in half for Brandon and Mary to each have a piece to take to bed with them. They both put their cloth over their broken hearts. And I said, “The Lord comes to bind up the broken heart and to set the captive free.” He has bore our griefs and carried our sorrows upon the cross of Calvary.

I think of the word of God in Job. “Tho He slay me yet will I trust in Him.” Why, Lord, when I prayed didn’t you give me a miracle and save Baby’s life? I don’t know. I don’t know. Somehow it’s hard to trust in God again when He just doesn’t answer like you thought He would. And yet we must trust in the Lord.

As we went to see Mary and Brandon last night at their home, we found them in peace. About the same peace that we had here. Char stopped by (our neighbor) and she said, “Connie, I feel the Holy Spirit here.” And I felt the Holy Spirit at Brandon’s and Mary’s.

Mary is working through it different than I am. She wants to get out all the pictures she had of Baby and look at them. I can barely stand to look at them at all. I said, “Mary, this is how you are working through this.” Brandon was glad I was there, as he said he was like me. Looking at pictures just made it harder to bear. And yet Mary got everything out of Chloe’s and wanted it all out where she could see it.

Brandon showed me the dress his baby girl will be buried in. “It’s kind of flared out at the bottom, maybe a bit big,” he says, “But it will make her look like the angel she is.”

And yesterday, I thought of all the mothers who didn’t want their babies. How could this be? I told Mary that many mothers have lost babies. It’s so hard. Ally, you lost a child … oh, what grief! I never knew until now the hurt you have known. I never lost any of mine. I thank God, as it would be a horror that I couldn’t take. And yet no one can, without the peace from the Lord.

I think the worst of it is feeling somehow some of it was my fault. Why I think that, I don’t know.

I just feel so sorrowful. So many of my friends today have just wept in grief with me. They have just cried out with me. And I think “Who cries for the aborted babies? For the ones thrown in a garbage can.”

Baby Chloe couldn’t be loved more or grieved for more. Mary cut locks of Baby’s hair and gave me some, too. All the grandparents held the baby before we left. Oh, how we each wailed and cried out to God as we held this dear baby that we had so longed to have.

Chloe was only 6 weeks old. I guess we must just muddle through.

Well, this morning as I got up, I could sense my children’s voices and their preparations to come home for the wedding. Christiane Joy, age 31, will be flying in today. Mary, 20, wants to go with us to pick Joy up from the airport. Mary can’t wait to show Christiane her new baby Chloe Faye. “Well, Mom, I hope Mary don’t wear all that make-up as she did when I was home the last time. She looks like Joan Crawford.” I had said that Mary has dressed so plain after having the baby. But I imagine it’s hard having a sister from NYC that is a fashion designer. Ya just feel, I guess, as her sister that you should be something more than maybe what you are? I dunno. But Christiane dresses very plain. She barely wears any make-up and just pierced ears and no tattoos. Thank the Lord.

Jimmy, 38, our oldest, lives in Illinois and he and his wife Aleksondra will drive in the day before the wedding. Then John and his wife and son will come on Friday. Then the other 3 younger children all live in our area.

Dan, 23, has teased Suzie about the wedding to the point she won’t talk to any of us. That is just kid stuff and they are young.

Yesterday, none of us knew if we would have a rehearsal dinner or what? Finally, my mom, who is 82, invited everyone to a nice restaurant for the rehearsal dinner. I could have had it here, but Dan began teasing Suzy and she got mad and wouldn’t even talk to me … it was a riot!!! Then my Mom took over and thank God someone did. But now everyone will come to the rehearsal dinner whether they are in the wedding or not. I hope my mom will bring a big bag of money with her to the restaurant.

Anyway, I have the beds fixed up for the kids to stay here. Then Jimmy and his wife will stay at Mom’s house.

I will fix a big supper for tonight and put the word out that supper will be at 5:00 pm. I don’t know who will all be coming as the boys, David and Dan, may have to work. I just have a family supper each night the kids are all here. And if one of the kids miss it, they can make it for the next night. Because Dan and David work in restaurants and their schedules change all the time. I will fix something with meat, mashed potatoes and gravy, and a vegetable. That’s what the kids like. Well, most of ‘em do, anyway.

Jimmy and his wife are very politically correct. And God Bless America if Mama says something outrageous like calling black people “Negroes.” Or some other outrageous unforgiven thing I may do. But Mama is praying, oh yeah, and those kids have the hound of heaven Jesus always on their backs.

I asked Chrissy Joy what plane she was coming in on. And she says, “Mom, that airport ain’t that big — you will see me come in.” She loves to compare everything here in Iowa to NYC. She says I just want her to come back to Iowa and make cornhusk dolls. Well yeah, I do!!! Sounds good to me!!!

And even though those older kids are stinkers … well, the younger ones are, too … I still love them. They are my babies. I can’t wait to kiss their cheeks. To smell their own special scents that are so familiar to me. They smell to me just like they did when they were babies. I love the daughter-in-laws and my lil grandbabies.

Oh, Papa loves all of his kids. He wanted all the kids to gather at the airport to welcome Chrissy Joy home. But I told him, “Oh, Honey, the kids all work. It’s hard to get ‘em all together at midmorning like that.”

Mary says, “Oh, Dad is just like that, Mom. He loves drama and tearful reunions.”

My children are all very creative and dramatic. Jimmy is a light designer. Christian Joy a fashion designer. Johnny is an artist and will some day be a preacher. He has a very inventive mind. My children all are very politically minded. They bounce off of me and I bounce off of them. Someday we will again walk together. But it seems as if now they are just finding themselves. They are not now who they will be.

And ya know, Christiane Joy is a clothes designer for punk rockers. And I am a writer to draw Mothers home to be keepers at home. We couldn’t be more opposites. And yet I raised her as a handmaiden for the Lord. Christian Joy was my right arm at one time. But ya know, even though we are not now on the same page, we share each other’s life. Joy may not agree with Mama for now but she loves her Mama. She calls me at least 2 or 3 times a week. “Mom, you are the most important person in the world to me.” Ya know, she is my girl and no one or thing could ever take her place. She is Mama’s Baby and will always be my baby. I walk with her through the valley of the shadows. She and I have always walked together, as love has always bound us together.

I wish I could tell ya that if you do all the right things, dear Daughters of God, that your children will all be saints. I wish I could say that. But the hard truth is that, yes, you raise your children for Christ, but then it’s up to them when they will receive Him. They will all come to Christ — yes, they will. But you have to pray and not give up on you kids. We must fight the good fight of faith. I wish I could tell you a different story of my children.

Christian Joy is a wonderful writer. Far better of a writer than I am. To read her writing is like riding a fast horse through a winter forest on a cold and sunny day. You feel the passion as you ride with her and you can feel the horses’ hooves hit the snow. She is so bright and crisp and vibrant and alive with ideas and creativity.

I taught Joy to sew when she was only 3.

About a month ago I was at our local library. Well, then I saw Jill and we were visiting. Then we saw our friend Barb. And heck, we hadn’t seen Barb in 25 years. She was an old friend of ours and it was a riot. She hasn’t gained a pound and looks just as young as she ever did. Well she invited Jill and me to her house for lunch the following week.

So Jill and I go to Barb’s for lunch. Well, she lives like a queen in a mansion. Half of my house could fit in her bedroom. Jill says “Did you see the rock on her finger?” I mean, it was huge. At age 62, Barb looks like a million bucks. Anyway, Jill and I are at her home and we see this table set for a set of Queens. I thought surely we won’t be sitting there … but, sure enough, we sat down to a wonderful lunch. Barb is a wonderful cook and hostess. Anyway, we had a lovely time.

Later on in the week, Barb called me and wanted to come and see me. I am thinking, “Oh mercy! Barb come here to the HillBilly Farm?” Well, anyway, I told her the evenings would be best for me. So what happens — she comes right in broad daylight when wild man is home. I thought to myself, when I saw her get out of her fancy car, “Oh, I hope Jim will be on his best behavior and that all will go well.” Well, because of the kids coming, I had the wash out in the living room doing it, and all kinds of work goin’ on.

Barb comes in the door and announces, just after greeting us, “I want to learn to can. I don’t know why, but I have this overwhelming urge to can. I have never canned before but I want to learn.” Well, I am in the middle of fixing Jim’s biscuits for lunch and making Blackberry Cobbler. So I do a fair share of tap dancing as usual. I invited Barb for lunch and I thought she was staying but she didn’t plan on lunch. So I said that I would finish up Jim’s lunch and then I would sit down and we could talk.

The whole thing was a slapstick riot. Jim is looking at me like “What on earth did you do to this woman when you went to lunch at her house?” I am lookin’ back at him like “I dunno.”

So later after I fed Wildman, Barb and I go in the living room to visit. Barb says, matter of fact, “Ya know, when most people see my house, they get dollar signs in their eyes and get jealous. I noticed that you weren’t like that.”

I said, “No, it is a lovely home and, if you can afford it, that’s great. And it was lovely.” Barb is very spiritual and the glory of the Lord is glistens in her home. She loves the Lord and her home is so striking.

Many years ago, when I was struggling in my marriage, Barb and my friend MaryL fasted and prayed for Jim for 4 days. Barb seems to still have such a love for Jim and me. And I know I haven’t heard the last of her. I asked her if she still went to church and she said “Yes” and I laughed. She took a few double takes at me. We have a lot of catching up to do.

She had told her dear husband all about seeing Jill and me again. And hopefully, we will get to see him again, too. They are a beautiful couple and have such a story of restoration in their marriage. I will ask her if I can share her testimony — it’s great. She has been married now for about 40 some years.

I am so used to ministering to a different class of people than who Barb represents. And she is so spiritual and godly. But it’s been a very long time since I have been around anyone like her. So here I am, trying to tell this woman how to can. And she really wants to know? I mean that’s the funny part … she really wants to know. She says, “I will go buy all of these fresh fruits and vegetables and then bring them home, and I will come and get you, and we can can at my house. Then I will give you half of it.” I told her that most of the tomatoes are about done in the gardens now. But I bet she will find some beans, too.

So, anyway, I dunno. The whole thing will be interesting.

Well, things are better for me this morning. The swelling in my face is going down from that bad tooth and I feel the Lord is healing me. Jim did pretty good with tips last night at work and so maybe things will work out for us.

I cared for Baby Rose yesterday. Mary brought little Baby Chloe Faye over to visit. What a sweet and strong baby for only 6 weeks old.

Baby Rose wanted me to get out a coffee filter so she could wear it on her head as a hat to make Mary laugh.

We helped Rose to hold Chloe … she just loves her. She kisses her on her little cheeks. Rose thinks Chloe is a doll to play with.

Baby Rose will be 2 years old next month.

I have Mary’s old doll house out for her to play with. Rose chases Gram about the house saying, “Gramma play?” Rose wants Gram to play with her. To play house or farm. If I am busy, she will pick up the farm set and chase me around with it. Then, if I sit down, she will set up the farm set at my feet wherever I end up.

Well Dan’s wedding is coming up next weekend and so we are getting ready for all the family to come. I have to clean like a hound dog and cook like crazy.