Yesterday was a hard grieving day for Jim and me. And I thought about how we get rid of the devil by the blood of the Lamb, by the word of our testimony, and that we love not our own lives unto death. So I want to give some testimonies here. MaryL and I talked for a while on the phone yesterday and this is what she suggested … to give testimonies.
Well, ya know, back in the old days … oh, things got hard for me. The circumstances would be so unreal. For instance, I would be so full of grief and so despondent. Once, when the first 3 children were young, a neighbor had fallen on our sidewalk. I used to have house insurance and she heard I did. And so she tried to sue us for 100,000 bucks. This is when Jim was in the Big House and I was alone to raise 3 children and to somehow not give up. It was a daily chore to just keep on breathing. I had detectives running in and out for about everything I can think of. And yet I had 3 children to raise and make a home for. I wanted my children to have a happy home. I felt like I was in the middle of a racetrack. Had God not helped me up, I would have surely committed suicide. Every day, I prayed to die. I could not bear it. Jim was always in the newspaper. I was embarrassed for my children and for myself.
Plus we had just moved into this house that was falling down around my feet. And ya know, my friend Jill, who was also in a mess, would come over to visit me. And she would say, so matter of fact, “Oh, Connie, just fix this house up — it will be OK.” Then she would tell me about her own family moving to old farmhouses and how they would just paint and wallpaper and let it go at that. This was hard on me, as I had come from a fairly well to do family. It was hard for me to think of simple solutions like what Jill had told me. But I could see that this was the Lord telling me to do this.
And I also weighed like 100 pounds. I cooked for my children but I was too upset to eat. And Jill would come over for supper and bring food. And we would put all of our food together and feed the kids and eat ourselves. Jill would fill my plate, as I had all but forgotten how to eat. Jill treated me like a child and would just poke food down my throat as she told jokes and laughed. See why I love her? But it was years before I really did gain weight. When Jim was delivered and set free, then I started to eat normally. But before that, I only ate when I was too sick to walk — then I would eat.
OK, and this is what I finally ended up doing. I got some Ken Copeland tapes on faith and I began to live from them. I was so heartbroken all the time that I could hardly walk without having to rest and sit down. I was so weak from heartache and confusion that I could barely stand up. I lived like this for about 12 years. I begged God to let me divorce and yet I could not see this in the scripture as a way out. And so I got these tapes and played them until I wore them out.
This is what I did. I put the tape recorder next to my bed. I played the tapes on faith until I fell asleep and the recorder kept on going and shut off automatically. Then the next morning, I turned the tape over, pressed the button again and listened to faith messages, even before I reached for my glasses. My first movement was for the button on the tape recorder. Then I would have these tapes on all day again. I got another tape recorder and had one permanently in the kitchen and one in the living room. So I could hear teachings on faith quicker. I played these tapes until I could see in a clear vision in my heart that my husband would be healed and set free by the mighty hand of God.
Then, when Jim was healed and home, the devil tried again and again to steal our victory. Jim was healed and set free by the power of God. And yet, here I was, left with all the old baggage. I had to be set free, too. I had fears that could have killed a stampede of elephants.
FAITH AND FEAR
So, yes, wild man was healed and I was happy. Except the devil, trying to kill me with fear, was the only problem. The fear would just come up in my throat and my heart would beat out of my neck. I felt like I was dying of fear. But God delivered me out of all of my fears. I just kept with the teachings on faith. Teachings that taught mainly about believing that you HAVE what you ask for. As in Mark 11:23 and 24. And the other scriptures on believing to receive.
Now I don’t listen much to Copeland anymore. But back in the 70s and 80s, he was good. I also had tapes and books from Ken Hagin and Smith Wigglesworth. They teach the faith, and I don’t know who else does. But the bottom line is this — Fear is Satan’s avenue of power, and Faith is how God works. It is impossible to please God without faith. And if you are full of fear, then you are an accident going some place. Whatever it takes to get the fear out of ya … DO!!!
Lately, I have suffered as I haven’t suffered since before my marriage was healed. And you can bet your back wheat I have my old tapes back out on faith. I am gonna listen to them and apply them to my life and keep on keepin’ on. I must walk in submission to my husband and in submission to the Lord and His word. This hell I have been through is going to be a staircase to an even greater powerful walk in Christ. My heart has been beat open with the weight of a garden rake. And yet shit happens, right? It’s not always because we sinned but maybe we just didn’t see warning signs and pray as we should have.
I think of the babies who died just before Christ was born and how the mothers could not be comforted. Those henchmen of Herod’s went through the street with swords and murdered all of the babies under 2 years old. Certainly there were mothers in this bunch who were good and godly mothers. But sometimes things happen, like what happened to Mary through no fault of her own. But I will tell ya one thing — it won’t happen again. Mary and I will pray and God will give us a relief in our hearts and let us know that we are safe.
God is able to keep that which we have committed unto Him. And ya know, once Jim was healed, he really was set free. And Jim has been a comfort to me again and again and again over the past 25 years. In October, we will have been married for 39 years. I couldn’t have made it without Papa. He has grieved but not as I have. He has been strong for me. But when I awake in the night, or I have those times of remembering the Baby, it’s hard. And ya know, Jim can’t do what only God can do in my life.
NO human being can lift the fear out of your heart. No matter how good of a husband you have, that fear is a supernatural power and only God, who is supernatural, can take this fear out of you. But all of this life is about fear and faith. You need to only pray, “God, take the fear out and replace it with faith.” Because no matter what your problem is, faith is the answer.
Faith is the victory that overcomes the world. If you want to overcome the world or something Satan has done to you, then have faith. Faith is in the NOW. You believe to receive now, and not in the by and by. Fear says, “God can’t work” and tries to bind the hands of the Lord. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy, and Jesus comes that we will have life abundantly.
It’s all about fear or faith … if you have fear thoughts, then cast them down. The Bible says to cast down any thoughts that exalt themselves above the knowledge of God. Yes, we suffer in this world. We suffer, not just to suffer, but to find the Lord and His walk of faith. Our reality is our faith in our hearts, as it lines up with the word of God. If God says He hates divorce, then you can fight against it with the word of God and win the fight. Your visions in your heart must be your reality, because this is the reality, anyway. God’s word never changes and will be here long after this world is gone.
VALLEYS OF DECISIONS
See, we as believers stand around and ask God what the future holds, or what should we do about this and that. And a lot of time, the heavens seem like brass, and we can’t get an answer from God. The reason is that God is waiting on us to decide to either have faith and go on or give up in fear.
The future is in our hands. We can walk in fear and lose our families. This is not God’s fault. God is not going to run into a house of fear, somehow tie us down, and do a miracle with fear holding everyone in a panic … It ain’t gonna happen. In the Bible, the word says that Jesus couldn’t do miracles in some towns because of the unbelief. And He was God??? Well, Jesus was God, but was part man, and had to follow the rules of faith and fear. Ya know, I have never seen a time when our country has been in such trouble. But in the midst of it all, the Lord can move through our faith.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Your map in God is the deepest desire of your heart … what is it? Is your desire that your marriage be healed? Then walk this out. Walk as though God has healed your marriage. This day … fight the good fight against worry. Declare openly, “It is not God’s will that any man should perish but all come to the knowledge of Christ. My husband dwells with me according to knowledge. God hates divorce and, with His help and grace, I do, too, and I will not lay down and give up on my marriage.” I don’t care if your husband never comes home for supper. Make a place at the supper table for him each night. And tell God and His angels, “I am walking by faith, as I want to please God. And without faith, I cannot please God.” Angels won’t come to your home because they feel sorry for you. They can’t fly in winds of doubt and fear. But they come on the wings of faith and love and the JOY of the LORD. As you use the small amount of faith you have, the Lord will give you some more.
I remember when I was in this small apartment, getting kicked out by the landlord. I saw the scripture in Psalms, “I had fainted lest I believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” I had nothing when God gave me that scripture. And I think of the folks who have nothing but destruction around them. They have seen nothing but hell on earth. And yet we can believe to see the goodness of the Lord … not just in heaven, but in the land of the living.
Yes, we will see His glory in the land of the living. Here on earth, He will give us many victories. But we must plant seeds of hope back in our hearts.
We can change a nation with a seed of truth in our hearts. A seed is a thought in your heart. If you have a seed that tells you — “Yes, with God all things are possible. There is nothing impossible with God. Anything we ask in Jesus Name we will receive.” — we can rebuild. But with doubt and unbelief in your heart, then you will only fall into more doubt and unbelief.
As you fear, you build an atmosphere for doubt and unbelief. Satan lives there and will bind you and keep you from rebuilding your wall. Fear will whisper to you and put seeds of thoughts in your mind that will, when come to blossom, reap more heartache and destruction. And if you act on your fears, you make them stronger and stronger, and then this creates evil strongholds in your life. And Satan will come along and ruin your whole family with the strongholds that he cements down. And this will destroy you and generations to come. This is how every evil government gets started — with a seed of evil in a person’s mind. And now our country is full of universities and establishments that represent Satan and his hellish demons. Yet, out of an ash pit can come a woman or a man who refuses to hear the devil and his lies and act on ‘em. It don’t matter what they have faced, they will rise again and again, and build a place where the angels feel free to dwell.
SEEDS OF FAITH
So we can have victory in our homes if we choose to believe God for it. I mean, if you have a rat in the house, you can feed it or starve it. You can destroy it or pet it and keep it. But we need to shoot that rat and throw it out. In other words, the thoughts in our head are either from God or from Satan. If the thought tells you that with God all things are possible, then this is God. But if a voice keeps telling you that nothing will work out? Your husband will never be good or the kids will always be bad, or whatever, then this is the voice of Satan. And Satan will give you fear filled prophesies. None of us know the future but Satan will tell you that all of your family is going to hell. Well, he don’t know that but he wants you to believe it and receive it.
Satan is a defeated dog. Jesus defeated his plans at Calvary’s cross. Jesus broke the power of the laws of sin and death. We no longer go to hell because of sin if we turn from our sins. The wages of sin is death, but God broke this power so that we have an avenue of reconciliation. We no longer must die for every sin — we can be forgiven. So we don’t have to be slaves to sin anymore, or the sins of those around us. We have a right to pray in faith and claim what Christ died for. But our faith must arise out of the pit of despair and we must take on th whole armor of God.
We must get back up and fight the fight of faith. The fight is to hold the word up first place in your heart and mind. And to hold the faith thoughts in your mind until they take root and become strong and begin to bear fruit. Satan will tell you that you will have a crop failure, and will give you evil prophesies, and will lie to you. He will condemn you and make you have visions of destruction. But cast him out and protect the tiny seeds of faith in your heart. Let your faith seeds grow and produce much fruit until you are like the tiny mustard seed that grows into a shelter for others to dwell under. And from the tree, keep on believing until you become a house and a home. And keep going and become a faith giant and a voice of hope to many.
Establish the kingdom for the Lord here on earth as you walk in faith. And we will believe that His will is done on earth as it is in heaven. Help the other believers to build a wall and to make strong homes. God gives us the faith to build a home and later, as we go, we become more influential. We Mothers are to be strong in our own homes and then become the Titus 2 Mothers to help the young ones to build a strong home. We fight the good fight as we hold on to God’s word in our hearts and we fight the evil prophesies and lies of Satan.