Yesterday was a hard grieving day for Jim and me. And I thought about how we get rid of the devil by the blood of the Lamb, by the word of our testimony, and that we love not our own lives unto death. So I want to give some testimonies here. MaryL and I talked for a while on the phone yesterday and this is what she suggested … to give testimonies.

Well, ya know, back in the old days … oh, things got hard for me. The circumstances would be so unreal. For instance, I would be so full of grief and so despondent. Once, when the first 3 children were young, a neighbor had fallen on our sidewalk. I used to have house insurance and she heard I did. And so she tried to sue us for 100,000 bucks. This is when Jim was in the Big House and I was alone to raise 3 children and to somehow not give up. It was a daily chore to just keep on breathing. I had detectives running in and out for about everything I can think of. And yet I had 3 children to raise and make a home for. I wanted my children to have a happy home. I felt like I was in the middle of a racetrack. Had God not helped me up, I would have surely committed suicide. Every day, I prayed to die. I could not bear it. Jim was always in the newspaper. I was embarrassed for my children and for myself.

Plus we had just moved into this house that was falling down around my feet. And ya know, my friend Jill, who was also in a mess, would come over to visit me. And she would say, so matter of fact, “Oh, Connie, just fix this house up — it will be OK.” Then she would tell me about her own family moving to old farmhouses and how they would just paint and wallpaper and let it go at that. This was hard on me, as I had come from a fairly well to do family. It was hard for me to think of simple solutions like what Jill had told me. But I could see that this was the Lord telling me to do this.

And I also weighed like 100 pounds. I cooked for my children but I was too upset to eat. And Jill would come over for supper and bring food. And we would put all of our food together and feed the kids and eat ourselves. Jill would fill my plate, as I had all but forgotten how to eat. Jill treated me like a child and would just poke food down my throat as she told jokes and laughed. See why I love her? But it was years before I really did gain weight. When Jim was delivered and set free, then I started to eat normally. But before that, I only ate when I was too sick to walk — then I would eat.

OK, and this is what I finally ended up doing. I got some Ken Copeland tapes on faith and I began to live from them. I was so heartbroken all the time that I could hardly walk without having to rest and sit down. I was so weak from heartache and confusion that I could barely stand up. I lived like this for about 12 years. I begged God to let me divorce and yet I could not see this in the scripture as a way out. And so I got these tapes and played them until I wore them out.

This is what I did. I put the tape recorder next to my bed. I played the tapes on faith until I fell asleep and the recorder kept on going and shut off automatically. Then the next morning, I turned the tape over, pressed the button again and listened to faith messages, even before I reached for my glasses. My first movement was for the button on the tape recorder. Then I would have these tapes on all day again. I got another tape recorder and had one permanently in the kitchen and one in the living room. So I could hear teachings on faith quicker. I played these tapes until I could see in a clear vision in my heart that my husband would be healed and set free by the mighty hand of God.

Then, when Jim was healed and home, the devil tried again and again to steal our victory. Jim was healed and set free by the power of God. And yet, here I was, left with all the old baggage. I had to be set free, too. I had fears that could have killed a stampede of elephants.

FAITH AND FEAR

So, yes, wild man was healed and I was happy. Except the devil, trying to kill me with fear, was the only problem. The fear would just come up in my throat and my heart would beat out of my neck. I felt like I was dying of fear. But God delivered me out of all of my fears. I just kept with the teachings on faith. Teachings that taught mainly about believing that you HAVE what you ask for. As in Mark 11:23 and 24. And the other scriptures on believing to receive.

Now I don’t listen much to Copeland anymore. But back in the 70s and 80s, he was good. I also had tapes and books from Ken Hagin and Smith Wigglesworth. They teach the faith, and I don’t know who else does. But the bottom line is this — Fear is Satan’s avenue of power, and Faith is how God works. It is impossible to please God without faith. And if you are full of fear, then you are an accident going some place. Whatever it takes to get the fear out of ya … DO!!!

Lately, I have suffered as I haven’t suffered since before my marriage was healed. And you can bet your back wheat I have my old tapes back out on faith. I am gonna listen to them and apply them to my life and keep on keepin’ on. I must walk in submission to my husband and in submission to the Lord and His word. This hell I have been through is going to be a staircase to an even greater powerful walk in Christ. My heart has been beat open with the weight of a garden rake. And yet shit happens, right? It’s not always because we sinned but maybe we just didn’t see warning signs and pray as we should have.

I think of the babies who died just before Christ was born and how the mothers could not be comforted. Those henchmen of Herod’s went through the street with swords and murdered all of the babies under 2 years old. Certainly there were mothers in this bunch who were good and godly mothers. But sometimes things happen, like what happened to Mary through no fault of her own. But I will tell ya one thing — it won’t happen again. Mary and I will pray and God will give us a relief in our hearts and let us know that we are safe.

God is able to keep that which we have committed unto Him. And ya know, once Jim was healed, he really was set free. And Jim has been a comfort to me again and again and again over the past 25 years. In October, we will have been married for 39 years. I couldn’t have made it without Papa. He has grieved but not as I have. He has been strong for me. But when I awake in the night, or I have those times of remembering the Baby, it’s hard. And ya know, Jim can’t do what only God can do in my life.

NO human being can lift the fear out of your heart. No matter how good of a husband you have, that fear is a supernatural power and only God, who is supernatural, can take this fear out of you. But all of this life is about fear and faith. You need to only pray, “God, take the fear out and replace it with faith.” Because no matter what your problem is, faith is the answer.

Faith is the victory that overcomes the world. If you want to overcome the world or something Satan has done to you, then have faith. Faith is in the NOW. You believe to receive now, and not in the by and by. Fear says, “God can’t work” and tries to bind the hands of the Lord. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy, and Jesus comes that we will have life abundantly.

It’s all about fear or faith … if you have fear thoughts, then cast them down. The Bible says to cast down any thoughts that exalt themselves above the knowledge of God. Yes, we suffer in this world. We suffer, not just to suffer, but to find the Lord and His walk of faith. Our reality is our faith in our hearts, as it lines up with the word of God. If God says He hates divorce, then you can fight against it with the word of God and win the fight. Your visions in your heart must be your reality, because this is the reality, anyway. God’s word never changes and will be here long after this world is gone.

VALLEYS OF DECISIONS

See, we as believers stand around and ask God what the future holds, or what should we do about this and that. And a lot of time, the heavens seem like brass, and we can’t get an answer from God. The reason is that God is waiting on us to decide to either have faith and go on or give up in fear.

The future is in our hands. We can walk in fear and lose our families. This is not God’s fault. God is not going to run into a house of fear, somehow tie us down, and do a miracle with fear holding everyone in a panic … It ain’t gonna happen. In the Bible, the word says that Jesus couldn’t do miracles in some towns because of the unbelief. And He was God??? Well, Jesus was God, but was part man, and had to follow the rules of faith and fear. Ya know, I have never seen a time when our country has been in such trouble. But in the midst of it all, the Lord can move through our faith.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Your map in God is the deepest desire of your heart … what is it? Is your desire that your marriage be healed? Then walk this out. Walk as though God has healed your marriage. This day … fight the good fight against worry. Declare openly, “It is not God’s will that any man should perish but all come to the knowledge of Christ. My husband dwells with me according to knowledge. God hates divorce and, with His help and grace, I do, too, and I will not lay down and give up on my marriage.” I don’t care if your husband never comes home for supper. Make a place at the supper table for him each night. And tell God and His angels, “I am walking by faith, as I want to please God. And without faith, I cannot please God.” Angels won’t come to your home because they feel sorry for you. They can’t fly in winds of doubt and fear. But they come on the wings of faith and love and the JOY of the LORD. As you use the small amount of faith you have, the Lord will give you some more.

I remember when I was in this small apartment, getting kicked out by the landlord. I saw the scripture in Psalms, “I had fainted lest I believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” I had nothing when God gave me that scripture. And I think of the folks who have nothing but destruction around them. They have seen nothing but hell on earth. And yet we can believe to see the goodness of the Lord … not just in heaven, but in the land of the living.

Yes, we will see His glory in the land of the living. Here on earth, He will give us many victories. But we must plant seeds of hope back in our hearts.

We can change a nation with a seed of truth in our hearts. A seed is a thought in your heart. If you have a seed that tells you — “Yes, with God all things are possible. There is nothing impossible with God. Anything we ask in Jesus Name we will receive.” — we can rebuild. But with doubt and unbelief in your heart, then you will only fall into more doubt and unbelief.

As you fear, you build an atmosphere for doubt and unbelief. Satan lives there and will bind you and keep you from rebuilding your wall. Fear will whisper to you and put seeds of thoughts in your mind that will, when come to blossom, reap more heartache and destruction. And if you act on your fears, you make them stronger and stronger, and then this creates evil strongholds in your life. And Satan will come along and ruin your whole family with the strongholds that he cements down. And this will destroy you and generations to come. This is how every evil government gets started — with a seed of evil in a person’s mind. And now our country is full of universities and establishments that represent Satan and his hellish demons. Yet, out of an ash pit can come a woman or a man who refuses to hear the devil and his lies and act on ‘em. It don’t matter what they have faced, they will rise again and again, and build a place where the angels feel free to dwell.

SEEDS OF FAITH

So we can have victory in our homes if we choose to believe God for it. I mean, if you have a rat in the house, you can feed it or starve it. You can destroy it or pet it and keep it. But we need to shoot that rat and throw it out. In other words, the thoughts in our head are either from God or from Satan. If the thought tells you that with God all things are possible, then this is God. But if a voice keeps telling you that nothing will work out? Your husband will never be good or the kids will always be bad, or whatever, then this is the voice of Satan. And Satan will give you fear filled prophesies. None of us know the future but Satan will tell you that all of your family is going to hell. Well, he don’t know that but he wants you to believe it and receive it.

Satan is a defeated dog. Jesus defeated his plans at Calvary’s cross. Jesus broke the power of the laws of sin and death. We no longer go to hell because of sin if we turn from our sins. The wages of sin is death, but God broke this power so that we have an avenue of reconciliation. We no longer must die for every sin — we can be forgiven. So we don’t have to be slaves to sin anymore, or the sins of those around us. We have a right to pray in faith and claim what Christ died for. But our faith must arise out of the pit of despair and we must take on th whole armor of God.

We must get back up and fight the fight of faith. The fight is to hold the word up first place in your heart and mind. And to hold the faith thoughts in your mind until they take root and become strong and begin to bear fruit. Satan will tell you that you will have a crop failure, and will give you evil prophesies, and will lie to you. He will condemn you and make you have visions of destruction. But cast him out and protect the tiny seeds of faith in your heart. Let your faith seeds grow and produce much fruit until you are like the tiny mustard seed that grows into a shelter for others to dwell under. And from the tree, keep on believing until you become a house and a home. And keep going and become a faith giant and a voice of hope to many.

Establish the kingdom for the Lord here on earth as you walk in faith. And we will believe that His will is done on earth as it is in heaven. Help the other believers to build a wall and to make strong homes. God gives us the faith to build a home and later, as we go, we become more influential. We Mothers are to be strong in our own homes and then become the Titus 2 Mothers to help the young ones to build a strong home. We fight the good fight as we hold on to God’s word in our hearts and we fight the evil prophesies and lies of Satan.

Well, it is really cold this morning in Iowa. I bet the temp is almost freezing. I have warm winter clothes on. Today Papa will have to get out the kerosene burner and get it going. I won’t turn the gas heat on — not unless we get desperate. Well, a person can live with a lot less heat than they think they can. It’s a good day to fix some hot soup and bread. Keeping the oven on keeps the house a bit warmer.

We went to the grocery store yesterday, and I see the pumpkins are out to buy. I hope to get one soon and cut it up for the freezer. In the cold months, I love to make hamburger vegetable soup. The pieces of pumpkin in the soup give it such a look of Autumn and fun. Jim doesn’t eat green peppers or onions, so I lay them in slices in the soup so that he can eat around them. But imagine what a picture this is, with the big green pepper slices and the white onions in rings. Then the background is red with tomatoes, and then the yellow carrots, white potatoes and orange pieces of pumpkin. Oh, and don’t forget the celery in little slices. Also cabbage if you have it. Then I will put in the coarsely ground black pepper and dried parsley.

This makes a fun and festive soup for the upcoming cold fall days. You could even put in some broken up spaghetti to give your soup a bit more substance. I just fry up one pound of hamburger for this soup. You can make this soup, also, with chicken instead of beef. I love it with chicken, too. This is a nice soup to have in the evening with fresh bread and some “made on the stove” popcorn* … with lots of butter and salt. And at times, we have put Parmesan cheese on our popcorn — it’s good like that, too. My kids always loved popcorn.

In my garden this year, I had a volunteer vine growing to beat the band? I thought it was a pumpkin plant, so I let it take over the whole garden? And guess what it was? It was these gorgeous gourds in all shapes and colors and sizes. And our weather here was so hot and dry this summer, and the gourd plants covered my tomatoes, and I never watered them barely at all. But I got a good crop of tomatoes. I gave some of my gourds away but I am quite stingy with them, as I love the looks of them on my table, gathered around my kerosene lamp. My plastic fall table cloth has the same colors in it as my gourds. One orange gourd is the size of a small pumpkin and then the others are about he size of acorn squash. Some are a dark green and white striped and some are yellowish. Some are orange and green. I love ‘em.

*How to make popcorn on the stove is included in the October 2005 Newsletter.

Mercy, I am having to learn some hard lessons in life lately. I haven’t wanted to write lately, as I have felt so hurt inside. But I was writing to Jill this morning and we often speak of Dixie. We knew that she could have beat cancer instead of dying of it. She had prayed privately for many who were healed of cancer … and yet what happened to Dixie? Well, she backslid, and then she saw it all for what it was and tried to hurry back to the Lord and repent. And yet she somehow weakened her life to the point that she somehow lost her way. And cancer took over and she fought that thing until the minute she died. But the cards, I think, were just too stacked against her. And I am here now where she was when she backslid.

I wanna lay down and die, too. Satan gives me so much trouble over losing this grandbaby that I want to die myself. And this is how he works to take the seed of truth and courage out of your heart. He lies to us and tries to defeat us and get us to quit trusting in God. We think we are the only ones suffering, or that no one has suffered like we have. All of this is lies of the devil. And the biggest lie of all in Christendom is this, “If you are a Christian, then you won’t have any problems.” That is the biggest lie told. This lie told is to weaken us and make us feel that, because a trial has come our way, we are being punished. Well, some of us are. But we can ask the Lord to forgive us and go on in God. But if the devil can talk us out of our anointing or weaken our anointing, then this is what he is here to do.

Think of a solder on a bloody battlefield with dead bodies all around him. He may be only half way alive. The first day, he cries and feels sorry for himself. But he is alone out there baking in the sun … the vultures are flying over his head and it is just a matter of time until he will perish. And yet, at this point, he turns his face to God and to Him alone. He no longer sees the dead bodies about him or the vultures overhead. He doesn’t consider his own body or the deadness of the situation. He decides to not stagger at the promises of God. And he calls upon the Lord and the angels come to minister to him. And if he hasn’t waited for too many days, the hope of him being found is good. But if he has wasted many days of “Why, God, did this happen to me?” etc., then he has less of a chance to see His glory. He is perishing daily.

Yes, God is the same yesterday today and forever. He never changes and it is never too late to come to Him. And yet, we think we have a long time to wait upon Him or that we will get right someday. But we don’t have until someday. We are in the fight for our lives today. Each day we wait to get right with God and to walk in faith, we are giving the devil more power. And if he gets enough power over us, then he can take the anointing of God from us.

The anointing is the touch of God upon our lives. I am anointed of God as a writer. It’s not my fault I just show up here at the e-machine and go for it. I would just as leave not do this. And yet I have to write as the devil tries to eat me alive. I would like a normal life? Hello? But when will I just decide I will never get one? I have made the devil so mad because of a healed marriage and other little tidbits that he has my number. And he don’t want me to do that again! If he would leave me alone, I would leave him alone, but I guess he don’t know that? But ya know, if you are like me and ya went ahead and lived even though no one wanted ya to. And ya kept your marriage even though it made everyone mad, as it convicted them? Well, ya made the devil mad. The church was hoping to God I would fail so they could say they told me so … and now I have enough nerve to go ahead and be a writer and actually look important? I mean the devil is mad at me? And ya know, just because I am a stinker, I think I will get back up again and keep on going.

But see, we as Christians are in the fight of our lives. It’s not hard to fight evil. Ya just get up in the morning and decide to follow God in faith. The problem is not moving with God — the problem is that Satan is there to lie to ya and to tell ya that you are sunk, whether you follow God or not. The Bible says to fight the good fight of faith. But we are so ill taught that we think it is strange when we fall into diverse temptations. But the word says, “Think it not strange, Brethren, when you fall into diverse temptation knowing that the trying of your faith works patience and let patience have her perfect work that you will be complete and entire wanting nothing.”

Again, as I have written before, Satan is in a hurry as his time is short. But the fruit of the Spirit in us is long suffering. Oh, we win in the end … oh yeah, we sure do. We as soldiers fight the good fight of faith but we win. All of this teaching on suffering to suffer is a sickening teaching. No one believes that stuff. But the truth of it all is, yes, we suffer to enter the Lord’s place of rest and service. But whatever the devil takes from us, the Lord gives us back double. And I am expecting Mary to have many more children and each anointed of the Holy Spirit. The devil can’t just come in and attack us without God knowing about it. And all things do work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

We suffer as believers but not beyond what He is able to cover us. His peace and anointing is always there to help us. But often we are in a hard labor, like child labor. We get so tired and worn out and our visions of God become faint. We are so bombarded by the enemy that we actually believe his lies. We believe that God hates us and that His presence is not with us. And yet His word is our map and our answer as He tells us, “I will not leave you or forsake you.” He tells us, “Fear not for I am with thee. I will strengthen thee and help thee and uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

“But it hurts, Lord. I want to die.” Well, yeah, labor hurts … but we get a baby out of it. And many of us are ones to be intercessors and we birth the answers to prayer through our spiritual wombs. And God knows it hurts and yet we can’t give up. We must keep on going until we see His glory. And the harder the labor, the greater the answer. And, yes, he helps us in our spiritual labor and He strengthens us and upholds us with the right hand of His righteousness. We are not alone in our suffering … never alone.

We feel alone and in a darkness that a light can’t seem to penetrate. And yet this is a part of the temptation in our wilderness. We want a light of truth but we don’t get it. We want the arm of flesh to minister to us but we don’t have it. We are alone on a lonely battlefield of life, and death is all around us. And yet, we straight up decide to trust in God and wait upon Him … and soon the curtain is lifted somehow and we see that He, Jesus our redeemer, was there all the time. He was just a foot away behind a curtain watching us upon the battlefield. He tests us at times. He has our lives under control and yet, just before we go into a greater anointing, He will test us to see if we will serve Him in the dark. Will we roll over and play dead like those around us or will we trust in God?

Even though we have felt that He has forsaken us and slain us and left us for dead … can we trust in Him? The Holy Spirit is not seen by the flesh … we cannot know Him in the flesh. Our spirits must call unto Him, to His Spirit.

Oh yes, we suffer as believers. But it is a suffering for a purpose, for a greater Joy set before us. We suffer to see His glory. Our faith is stretched so many times and it feels that we will die as we feel the pulling of our spirits. And we wonder how can we cover all the hell set before us? We trust in God.

The Lord tells us to seek and we will find. But all of us, we seek and if we don’t find right away, we say, “Well, it wasn’t God’s will.” But ya know, some situations are like locked doors. You can’t keep trying the same key over and over again to unlock a door. There are many keys to unlock a door. We have to keep trying key after key to try to unlock a door.

Like in a marriage. You may try nagging your husband to get him to quit drinking. And for some men, that key will open a door. And the husband will come to his senses and quit drinking. For most folks, it won’t work like that, but some women get away with that. But if we have God’s word on something, then we know there is a key to open a door to righteousness. The word says that it isn’t God’s will that any should perish but that all should come to the saving knowledge of Christ. So ya always know that it is God’s will to save our husbands or family. In other words, God didn’t create anyone to be fuel for hell. He created each person to glorify Him. So … we know that when we pray for a person to be saved, then we are praying the will of God. So we know that there is a key to unlock the door for the prayer to be answered. The Bible says that all adulterers go to hell. So we know that God doesn’t want adultery going on in a family. It’s not his will. So there has to be a key in prayer that will unlock this answer to prayer.

The Bible speaks of praying with all kinds of prayer. And the prayers of faith are the only prayers that please God. Always, when a man in the marriage has a problem, it is to draw the wife into faith. She may not be his problem but is called by God to be her husband’s answer. Not with her words but with her prayers. Wife and mother runs through the stages of faith chasing the Lord as He deals with her husband. But Mother and wife must never give up.

Here is a valuable key to faith. Never give up. Never quit trying key after key until you find the key that will unlock your family’s door. You do whatever it takes to save your family. God’s plan is that you will have a restored home. That is His plan — what is yours? What do you have to have to keep this dog and pony show from going under? Whatever it is, there is a key to unlock the door to answer the prayers said. See, one of the fruits of the Spirit is long suffering. Satan is not one to keep on trying to destroy your family. See, we as wives and mothers, who know God, know how to stand until the dust settles. God is eternal and Satan is not. Satan’s time is short and he gets very impatient with prayer warriors that won’t give up. Satan is a demon spirit that can’t stand to stay very long in one place. God is long suffering and patient and full of love and compassion. Satan hates our guts and would love nothing more than to discourage all of us to the place that fear controls us and runs us off our place of anointing.

FEAR is the gas that Satan is empowered with. He scares you out of your prayer chambers and gets you out in the open where he can batter you and torment your spirit. He drives you out of your place of peace and prayer with lies about God. He comes to you in the quiet of your heart. He invades your secret chamber and he lies to you about the word of God. He says, “God doesn’t care about you or your children. You have done a big sin and can never be forgiven for it.” His plan is to break through your confidence in God. Satan wants to stir you up and break through your simple faith in God. Satan wants to be worshiped. He wants to be like the “Great I Am.” If we will worship Satan, then he can possess us and get us to do what he wants for us to do. He wants to make us bitter so that we will destroy our own family. What he couldn’t do on his own, he gets US to do as we go into sin and he leads. He is then able to get us to confess hell over the family.

Some of you dear wives who have rascals for husbands need to treat those men differently. Heck, they know they are dogs. You told ‘em that and so has everyone else. And when the poor schnook is by himself, he tells himself he is a dog. I mean him being a dog ain’t the problem. Him staying a dog is. But ya know, dear wife, as you get on the horn or the phone and announce to everyone you know that your husband is a dog, then all you are doing is tying that poor guy down to the chain that is hooked to the dog house. Satan has him bound in sin … be glad it ain’t you. Be glad you are the victim and not the dog. If I had even committed adultery one time against Jim, I would have died a thousand deaths. I thank God that I have never had to carry the weight of this sin in my heart for life. And some of these men are bound in porn and you name it. Be glad it isn’t you that is bound in these sins … it’s the grace of God that your husband is the alcoholic and not you. But we must go to these men who are such rank sinners and minister the life of Christ to them.

Dear wife, get on your husband’s side. Decide today that your prayers are answered and begin to speak the life of God into your husband. Tell him, “I know you don’t want to live like this. I know you love your family.” Pray the word of God upon your man. Tell God that you know that it is not His will that your husband perish in hell. You as a wife do not have to put up with a husband who is an alcoholic or drug abuser or womanizer. You don’t have to put up with that. And I don’t mean divorce him. I mean that you don’t have to live with Satan or his rules in your life. You can live in peace.

I hear this thing about “Well, my husband is a dog and he has his own will and I can’t change it.” Well, if a murderer walks by your house at night, I guess he has every right to murder you and your family as he walks by. Or if he wants to burn down your house, I guess he has a free will. Now what kinda nonsense is that? If we are walking with God, then we have a right to be protected by God. God’s answer is not to go out and sin and get a divorce. It is his plan that we will trust Him to make things right in our families. God wants a peaceful home for our children to live in and to be home schooled in. He wants peace in our homes. God can make a gentle man out of your husband, even if he ain’t shouting “Glory” yet. But you can tame the man and get him to at least eat with a fork through your prayers.

Now, unfortunately, I know what I am talking about. And if God can change my husband, he can change yours? But I was confessing positive over wild man when he was still in prison. Wasn’t easy either! But we fight the good fight of faith. Papa’s heart went from the most hardened unpenatrable heart to a heart of flesh. He now weeps with those who weep. But not in the beginning. In the beginning, he didn’t mind breaking my heart or his children’s hearts. Yet I wasn’t dumb enough to think he wanted to live like an animal. I went to him in his locked pit and told him, “Jim, I know you want something better than this. The children and I love you … we will always love you. ” He didn’t want to know about Jesus, as he thought Jesus hated him. But I had to go to Jim as one sinner helping another sinner back up.

We as wives can go to places that even Jesus can’t go to. We as wives live on the earth and are flesh and blood. We aren’t part God and part man. We are sinners saved by grace. And if we can’t go to our husbands in their pits of sin, then who will God call? We are not gods — we are the other half of our husbands. We can pull them to Jesus as no other human being on this earth can. Or we can destroy them with our sorrow and unbelief.

We must have faith in our men until they can have faith in themselves. We must pour in the rivers of life and the water that will quench their thirst. And we must not give up.

This morning the Lord is having me write on faith. Without faith, it is impossible to please God. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. The “substance” is the “I know all is well” in your heart. The substance speaks, “I don’t care what I see — I know a miracle is there in the now for me.” We must not walk by what we see but only by what we believe.

Faith moves the mountains of impossibilities. Faith is NOW … hope is in the future. So if we are hoping for a miracle, then we don’t have the substance of — or the evidence that — we have the miracle now. Hope sees the answer coming. Faith receives the answer now … As we pray and God plants a vision in us, then we say, “Yes, Lord, I receive it now.” Then we hold that vision in our hearts and we don’t let go.

Abraham is our example of faith. Romans 4:17-22 … He considered not his body now old or the deadness of Sarah’s womb. God had called Abe as the Father of many nations. He called him when he was to old to have a baby with Sarah who had been barren all of her life. God could have called a young man who had a wife who was young and fertile. God chose a man who could not depend on his own works to do the things of the Spirit.

Most of the women in the word of God that God called to give birth to chosen men of God were barren. God doesn’t want any person to come in bragging on their own works and what they can do. And so He takes the person who has the least to show His glory. Because this faith walk is all of God and not of ourselves, lest we boast of our own goodness. But Jesus is glorified, as we have nothing and are nothing, but straight up out of the barren ground, we decide to please God with faith.

Faith works when we quit working and we see our utter hopelessness. Faith comes as the evidence comes and we see that the blessings are all gone. The things seen show us nothing to hope for. We stand in an utter hopelessness as everything about us says, “You better give up and you are not going to make it.” When we have faith in God, in this vast barren land, then this pleases God and causes Him to arise with healing in His wings. In no other way can we move His heart. He ain’t gonna get up and move for us because he feels sorry for us, even though He may. But He must move according to His own words and promises. And just as electricity wont turn on because you yell at it or you are starving to death … it will only turn on as you connect it with the electricity … God cannot move without faith being applied.

The platform of faith is total hopelessness … it is a barren land. And yet the woman of faith stands on this barren land that has no water and no hope and she says, “Well, I am gonna believe God. I don’t care what I see — I am not moved by that. I am moved only by what I believe.”

Now I will tell you what faith is not … it is not a woman with a bunch of money saying she is believing God for groceries. She may have some fear she is dealing with, but she has some money to deal with. So she isn’t having the God kind of faith. She is assuming she has enough money for groceries. But the true faith comes as the woman has no money for groceries but believes God. She has an evidence there of no hope in this world … and faith comes as we have no evidence of hope. If faith is not born out of a total desolation, it is not true faith. But the real faith that comes out of a dry rock is the faith that will move mountains. And her faith will not only get her the answer, but will get an answer for many around her.

If you want a mountain moving faith, then in your journey of faith you will come to a place of total hopelessness. Black despair will be like a dungeon that shrouds you in a total hopelessness. This must come … as much as we hate it, it must come. And it is here in the valley of decision that you choose to go with God or with Satan. Faith is not saying, “I am believing God.” And you know you see the evidence that your need is being met, anyway. True Bible faith believes the Lord when there is no evidence of the prayer being answered.

Now, it is, of course, good to always believe God for the slightest thing. But the Bible faith that God is teaching us in His word is the faith that has no evidence of hope. Hebrews 11:1 Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things “not seen.” So if your marriage is hopeless and your kids are on one way tickets to hell, REJOICE. You meet the requirements to have the faith God calls us to have that moves mountains. If you will believe God in your ash heap, you will see His glory. Of course, there are other kinds of faith the Bible speaks of. But the faith that moves mountains and gives us miracles is the faith I am writing about. We can’t go about calling things that “are” as if they can’t be changed.

Say you have a wayward son. Well, the things of the earth are temporal and subject to change. But the things of God are eternal. So you pray for your son and tell the Lord that you believe Him. Then you start by faith treating your son as if he is a preacher. You speak to him as if he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Oh, I am preaching to the choir on this. I told God yesterday, “You don’t think that my boys ain’t all gonna be preachers, do ya? I believed God for those boys from day one and I made a covenant with You, and YOU are bound in honor to save those rascals and bring them all to heaven.” I did my part as their mother to train them and I have a right to expect God to move on my behalf. I have a right to say, “All of my children are taught of the Lord and great is their peace.” We speak of things that are not as though it is.

Romans 4:20 says that Abe staggered not at the promises of God through unbelief but was strong in faith giving glory to the Lord. Now, that ole boy and his wife had a set of circumstances that were impossible. Been there and done that. How do you think I felt when I was at the prison for about a fourth term and the guards were telling me that Jim would never amount to a hill of beans? My heart was broken in half. I had believed God for 9 years and still things were back where we started. I would hear those bars close behind me as I went to see my beloved husband again in prison. I was frisked and treated as if I was a criminal, too. I lived a godly life and raised my children alone for 9 years. Then my husband did yet another crime and was sent to prison for yet another term of 3 and a half years. It was a grave sentence for me. My heart and faith were crushed. I had nothing to rest in, but failure, in my faith. I lived utterly devastated. I had obeyed God and saw a few miracles. But God knew I needed the big miracle that would move my mountain. Satan had proved to me that God hated me and my family. And yet I believed the Lord and the mountain moving faith moved the hell back into the deepest pit and God gave me a miracle.

If we want our present circumstances to change, then we have to set ourselves on a different course. We can’t keep saying the same things and doing the same things. We must give ourselves to God and get His visions on our problems. And this faith I am writing about is not common everyday faith. Some of you don’t live in life and death circumstances. So you don’t need this gift of faith. But some of you, if you don’t have this faith I am writing about, you will surely perish from a broken heart. I would die of a broken heart if I didn’t know how to work this faith. But last night, the Lord said to me, “Connie, you can do this. You have been here before. You can believe God for a miracle.”

The place the devil tries to ride me is in the area of barrenness. If I don’t stay crisp and clear with Jesus and His vision for me, then I fall.

A JOYFUL MOTHER

The Lord calls the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Psalms 13:9. The spirit of barrenness is a place where faith ain’t going any place. That barren spirit could stop a Mack truck in its place. Last night, I prayed for the homemaking spirit. I cried out to God for it, as I know it is what we all need as never before. It is something we can’t do without in our world today. Wisdom is our stability … she is our teacher. And yet I felt so depressed and I said, “God, what is to become of me? I can barely do what I need to do.”

And God said, “Connie, it isn’t the homemaking spirit that you need — it is the mountain moving faith. The homemaking will come as you believe God for many miracles. The homemaking is a helper gift to faith.”

The most important thing that we mothers need is the mountain moving faith. We can not haul barrenness on our backs. Well, I can’t, anyway. I must have a houseful of children. And, oh yeah, I am old and Jim is old … well, Abe and Sarah were old. But this is the place my faith arises and where I am strong. I try to talk myself out of it. “When will I be normal, Lord, and act like an old lady?” I dare to say that even though I would like to be old and live a peaceful existence, I don’t think I will ever get to? I mean, I am all for getting old and dead. But I ain’t gonna kill myself, for crying out loud. And I am a walking target for the devil, for sure.

And without further ado, excuse me, but I am running into faith in God before the whole house falls in. I am not going to consider my own body as it is barren or that my husband is old. I am going to have many more children and make this home to get going again. I don’t know how this will all work out, but I have to believe God. I mean, I have tried to act like an old lady but can’t swing it. And God tells me, “Well, who the heck else am I going to choose to have a supernatural birth at 58 years old?” Why does God have such a sense of humor? Well, yeah, I can wish I was dead, but I ain’t yet and I am sick of the devil whacking me everywhere I go … so I guess I will just make him real mad and decide to get up and live on purpose and follow God. And what’s normal for me ain’t normal for the rest of some of you.

I was brought up by God to walk by faith since I was saved at 19 years old. I don’t know of a faith that depends on man. If I get in really big trouble, I will go to Jesus first. Because I have a history of getting into more trouble than most people. The world don’t know what to do with me. I just scare people most of the time. I am sure they think I am cursed or something. Well, no, I ain’t cursed but I am always in a place to believe God. I see great miracles but have to come to an ash heap first. And, oh, those ash heaps. I tell the Lord I am too old for this and I will never get back up. But, ya know, if ya don’t get up out of the ash heap with your faith, the buzzards will get ya. So ya just got to get back up and keep moving. It gets easier as ya go. And God rewards those who diligently seek Him.

I would rather tell jokes on the email than to write about faith. Faith is a lot of work and often I don’t like to enter it. Mountain moving faith takes every spiritual muscle you have to keep it on the road. We fight the good fight of faith. We prepare our homes for victory … We make feasts of celebrations that maybe no one will eat until you made the festival 7 times. But you refuse to go back to a barrenness. You refuse the earth’s reality that says, “All hope is lost and you are going under.”

A natural truth stands before you and an even greater truth from God stands there, too. Who will you serve this day … Satan who is the god of this world, or the Lord Jesus who is the greater TRUTH? This world will pass away but His words will never pass away. What we do for the sake of eternity is what we will be rewarded for.

WALKING IN FAITH

Dixie and Jill had such mountain moving faith. One time, we were at Dixie’s for lunch and Emily got up to clear the table. Dixie said, “Now, Emily, don’t throw the scraps out — we will save them for the pig.”

Then Jill and I chimed in with, “Yeah, we will give our scraps to the pig, too.” Well, Dixie didn’t have a pig, but she was praying for one and God did give her two pigs. Well, that is a small example of faith.

And, of course, I know I have told you about Dixie’s husband Bill who stood outside snockered and told Emily to go get him another beer. As she passed her mother, Dixie would whisper to Emily, “It’s soda pop, Emily.” Well, Bill did quit drinking … finally!!! But, oh, how embarrassed Dixie would be to take all those beer cans back to the store, and especially when she was confessing that Bill had quit drinking. Oh, she would cry out to God. And she had to cash beer cans in to help buy groceries. But she called things that were not as though they were. She fought the devil and fought him daily and saw her husband quit drinking. But Satan screamed at her and embarrassed her as she went about in faith. She wouldn’t let us girls even see Bill’s beer in the fridge. She just kept confessing that, by God’s grace, Bill was healed. And through much heartache, she kept her confession up there in her heart that her husband was not a drinker.

Faith is a hard thing to walk out. It takes spiritual strength. Well, anyone can walk in fear and just sit and watch the whole family go under. But it’s hard to yield your bodies to righteousness. We must rebuke the devil and make him get out of our way. We must walk in God. And ya know what? This is all between you and God. To thine own self be true. Who are you in God … I mean you? Not you as your child’s mother or you as wife. What do you believe in God?

We must in ourselves live in Joy and faith. Maybe our families think we are nuts. Well, let ‘em think that. We will end up saving our own hide and theirs, too. Let the fur fly — who cares. Ya know, we will be like Joseph who was thrown into a hole by his brothers. He had dreams and visions and his brothers were jealous. They threw him in a pit to die. And yet he crawled out to save his family and God’s Nation. He had faith in the worst of times and came out on top, and saved his family who tried to kill him. He came out of a pit with fire in his soul. He was a miracle that had to come first to the ash heap. All hope was lost for Joseph. His platform for a miracle was total hopelessness. And we, too, can have miracles that come out of only the spoken word of God.

Well, Wednesday evening I had Baby Rose, 2 years old. I try to fix something special for supper for the nights I have her … something I know she will like. Anyway, I had fixed a casserole and a small chocolate cake. Jim had eaten and gone to work. Baby says “EAT??”

And I said, “Oh, OK, Baby we will eat.”

Well, she sees the cake on the table. (I should have hidden it.) So she says “Cake.”

And I say, “Now, no, Baby. Gram fixed you a nice cheese noodle casserole with green beans, just like you like.”

Baby says “Cake.” She is looking at me with those big blue eyes with overflowing eyelashes.

I said “OK.” I gave her a half inch of chocolate cake.

Then I sat her up to the high chair to eat her casserole and she says “Cake.” So I gave her some more cake to eat with her noodles and green beans. She ate most of her dinner … well, all of her green beans. And Gram ate the last bite to help out. And then she wanted a treat. “Cake.” So she had a piece of cake for dessert.

So Poor Baby Cakes had cake before her dinner, during her dinner, and after her dinner. Am I a silly Grandma or what? I would have never done that with any of my own children here at home. Baby didn’t cry to make me give her cake. I just gave it to her when she asked me for it.

The moral of the story, I guess, is “Be careful what you ask Grandma for, as you just may get it.”

It’s time to take out a spiritual magnifying glass
and examine ourselves to see
if we are real for Christ.

I am not saying “Get ready for hard times.”
I am saying “We are here now.”

And what we need
more than anything else
is a spirit of homemaking.

If I could somehow get that
and keep it
and write it out
I would be the most happy woman
in the world.

Wisdom is our stability.

In these times of such unrest
we mothers need to go on.
We need to keep the kitchen busy.
We need to be joyful in our homes.

Our husbands will see us
and take courage.

Our faith must be the guiding light
for our families
and those who are watching us.

We don’t need to preach.
We need to do His work.

(Excerpt from “The Overcomers” which was published in the October 2005 newsletter, available for download in the Newsletters section.)

Yesterday, as Jim went to work, I knew the Lord was telling me to get busy and make Jim the apple pie I had been promising to make. I sat in my chair and told the Lord, “I just can’t do it. I am still too grieved. I just want to sit.” And yet I knew I had to make that pie for Jim. “Couldn’t I make a cobbler, Lord?” No, I knew I had to get out some pie dough and roll it out. I knew I had to peel apples and make a real pie.

Well, right as I was almost done making it, Jill came by. Oh, how I needed her and she was such a welcome sight. We talked and I cried and we laughed and talked about the old days, when we had to keep on keepin’ on, no matter what. We talked about how we always had to stay strong for our children and our family homes. And, oh, we do have to be strong in the Lord and in His power. And I have to be strong now.

Some of the things Jill said, I wish I could jar it up and can it. Jill has a homemaking spirit as I have never seen anyone else have. I have always wished she would rub off on me and sometimes I do feel she does. I mean, talk about a woman who loves to cook and bake and clean the house. She lives on a farm and she says, once she is on the farm, she can’t think of anything except homemaking. She says that once she starts a project of decorating, then she can’t hardly make herself stop it and do something else … and I mean, she would decorate with anything on earth. Nothing is expensive. It’s all garage sale stuff and whatever. She loves the country look and she decorates every square inch of the house. Even the bathroom has family pictures in it. Everything is decorated country. And she has little lights all over the house.

I often read stuff in magazines about getting rid of clutter and decorating simply? Well, Jill has never read these articles. She would doo-dad up anything. And her home is a show case of artistry. She is absolutely so creative, you can’t hardly see everything you want to see in one visit. I mean when I go there, my eyes just come home so full and entertained. Her home is a showcase of creativity.

She was telling me about her daughter Shelly, and her creative ideas are beautiful, too. She loves the old European look. I asked Jill if this look sort of confused her creating the country look. And Jill said that she loves Shelly’s style, but her own style is what she lives on.

I told her when she was here that I wished I could can her and send each of you girls a jar of her. I mean she is an artist of the home for sure. Her home is so comfy cozy.

I gave her a head of the purple cabbage, as I had two heads. She said she couldn’t wait to get home and make a salad with it. The woman loves to cook and her husband always has a smile on his face. And her daughter Shelly loves to cook, too. They both have to freeze a lot of food as, when they cook, they make big meals. Jill loves to make soup in her big water bath canner. Her husband Jerry will eat it for days … he loves it.

Jill has always loved vegetables and could live on them. And her gardens are always so perfect. She has 4 acres and almost every square inch is planted with something.

When she begins her homemaking, then she don’t know anything else is going on around her. She doesn’t seem to get distracted … it’s a passion with her. It’s almost an obsession. But usually, you would see women like this who were driven to have a nicer house or yard than their neighbors. But she isn’t like that. She is driven to live a simple back to the land life. Nothing in her home says “money” or an obsession with riches. It’s like she is driven by creativity. She must create a home or die. Her hands are always busy making things. Not worldly things but simple things.

She is the Lord’s daughter … the virtuous woman.

Well, I made it through the night. Thanks so much for your prayers.

I know I need to be into my homemaking. Jim is after me to make an apple pie. He is so funny. This is how he hints. He goes to the store and buys a sack of apples. Then he will say, “I am sure hungry for dessert.”

And then I will say, “What kind?” And then he will look at the sack of apples on the table.

Then last night, he cuts some apples up in a bowl and puts honey over them, and milk, and eats them. His comment is, “Well, that will do for now.” So I know I am to get to the apple pie today.

All of my pie crusts used to taste like cardboard and, just lately, I have learned to make a decent crust. I just take a few cups of flour and mix it with a cup of shortening and some salt. Then I just cut the shortening into the flour with my fingers until the flour looks like corn meal almost. Make sure the shortening is well incorporated into the flour. Then just add a bit of cold water and make a dough. Then just roll this dough flat with your rolling pin and put it in a pie pan. Then I just cut apples up, and put some sugar and butter on them, and a few Tbs of water and some cinnamon. Then put a top crust on it and bake it.

When I awoke this morning I was better than I have been. Still, the sorrow and grief is so hard after losing the baby. I haven’t wanted to bring this sorrow to the email, as some of you are needing a faith message. But as I prayed alone in the house last evening, the Lord told me not to hold so much in. Friends have said, “Connie, you can’t hold all this in. There is a time to grieve.”

When I woke up this morning, I told the Lord I have nothing to write except sorrow. And He said, “Then you better write that.” The Lord tells me not to quench His Spirit. And yet, I hate to bring such sorrow to the e-machine. But I have no other words to write. As I write, I know the Lord will heal my soul and heart.

Time heals all wounds of the heart. And as I tell Mary, we must get some days on this sorrow, but it’s hard waiting for the days to pass and the hurt to ease. As I ministered to Mary last night on the phone, she was throwing up in the toilet. She is still so upset. And yet I said, “Mary, I will pray for you on the phone.” And she always receives the prayer and never rejects the Lord.

Mary tells me, “Mom, Brandon needs me — I have to be strong for him.” And Jim and I try to be strong for each other. We are all holding on financially. Jim is getting back on his feet with work and I must be there in strength for him. None of us can just roll over and play dead. I of all people hate self pity. I have no use for it. And yet the grief must be expressed for me to go on.

Mary cries for her baby like a child would cry for her doll. It breaks my heart for my Mary. I whisper in her ear, “You will have more babies, Mary. God will give you more babies. None will take Chloe’s place but your arms will be full again.” And ya know, I know this, too. And I know that Mary and Brandon will be OK. They are young and resilient. They even seem normal sometimes. I see strength coming back into Brandon’s eyes. He still hasn’t had any attacks of Chron’s. I don’t think he will, either.

Today we are going to my mom’s to help her with some things. Then hopefully, we will go to Mary’s for a while.

I guess, as I grieve, I am afraid of losing more loved ones. That if I lose control, I somehow won’t make it and my whole house will fall down. Well, no, I can’t grieve to the point of self pity but I am wondering if I do just have to let this grief and sorrow out.

Mary’s family doctor has been so wonderful and so caring with Mary and Brandon. He was at the funeral and had cried at the hospital when he told Mary that he couldn’t save Chloe … it was a natural death. Chloe Faye died exactly 7 weeks after she was born. She died at the same hour that she was born. God’s perfect number 7 … and she died on the seventh of September. What was the Lord doing to give us this baby for exactly, to the hour, 7 weeks? I had 6 children and never lost one. And I think, “What is the Lord’s plan in all of this?” As I said at the hospital when we all sat grieved, “Tho He slay me yet will I trust in Him.” And that is about all I can say. I spoke life to Chloe and tried to raise her from the dead and yet she didn’t move. She is gone. And I won’t get to see her for a long time. My chest is cut open and wounded … will this pain ever go away? I know it will, but when?

The old time mothers used to be silent during the day with grief they had to bear. But then, at night, they got up and cried after the family was asleep. I am up in the night crying, too. I have to cry sometime. And a writer writes and I can’t neglect the gift within me … it is my healing … my own words are. Jesus is in me and I encourage my own heart.

I know I must bring fear to some of you. I don’t want to. I am sorry. I am your spiritual mother and long for you to be strong in Him. I would never do anything to bring fear to you. And yet I must drink from the same fountain as you do through my own words, as God gives them to me.

And ya know, so many have shown us so much love … it has been a healing to us. Mary told me on the phone that Brandon’s cousin was taking them out for supper last night. And so many have come to minister to them. Jim and I, when we go out, so many friends in our town come up to us and say, “Sorry for your loss.” Even the lady who runs the library came up to Jim and me yesterday as we were at the library. She hugged us and said, “Sorry for your loss … again, sorry for your loss.” We feel almost an anointing of love from those we deal with often in our town. Jim normally goes about his day bragging to everyone who will listen about his grand babies. And now he stands silent and aloof. Barely able to answer our friends back.

And, oh, Nancy at the library is the funniest woman. I can never find my library card. And when Jim and I get books, he doesn’t want me to put my books on his card. He thinks I am irresponsible and that if I lose my books, he don’t want to have to pay my fine. He acts like it’s a felony if I lose a book. So Nancy makes all kinds of jokes about it. So when Jim and I come up to the counter, she pretends that she has my WANTED POSTER under her desk. Well, one day while we were at the library, we found my card — it slipped out of Jim’s billfold when he took his card out. Jim had put it in there and forgotten it, thinking probably that I would lose my card otherwise. Well, I am not really that absent minded. But Jim thinks we are going to get in big trouble if we lose our books or whatever. But Nancy does have such a good sense of humor. And when she came up to Jim and me at the library, I could feel an anointing of love come out of her like a sign flashing.

And so many have comforted us. Ellen (across the street with two little girls) told me, “Ya know, Connie none of us kids in my family, as grown adults, worry about much of anything.”

I said, “Why, Ellen, why would you say that?”

And she said, “Our Mother had such faith in God the whole time she raised us 8 children at home.” She was telling me about her own husband feeling a lot of stress and worry over his business. But Ellen said she wasn’t worried about anything. I think of her words as I write. How her Mama raised all those children in faith.

And God tells me, “Connie, this is a pruning. You are suffering now but will come back with a stronger anointing. Your writing will come back with an anointing that only God can give. You will be more powerful and see more victories.” Of course, I could give a damn, huh? And why wasn’t I called home instead of Mary’s baby? Why am I still here? Lord, have mercy on my soul.

And some of you remember my testimony of a healed marriage. Oh, I hated going through that hell of a bad marriage. But God used it and brought me closer to Him because of it. I can say I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. But, hey, don’t ask me to go through it again. When I would sit in sorrow as a young bride, the Lord would speak peace to me, “Connie, it is going to be OK. I am with you. Fear not for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name and you are Mine.” And ya know, He did call me by my name and, as it turned out, I was His. I believed Him for a miracle and a miracle is what I got. Funny how that works — you do get from God what you believe for.

Last night as I was alone in the house praying, I tried to get up and walk out my faith. It was like pushing a car uphill that had no gas. I know I see my life as over and God sees it as just the beginning.

Oh, as I go through this trial, I can’t help but remember when my marriage was so broken and tattered. So many told me to give up and God knows I wanted to. I never had more strength for each day than just what I needed. The whole trial lasted 12 years. I had spurts of faith going on that kept me from out and out committing suicide. But most of what I did was whistle in the dark like some of you do. Did a whole lost of B.S.-ing. Hung on for dear life to the Lord’s promises. Satan tried to prove to me that God hated my guts. And yet I hung on and said with Job “Tho He slay me yet will I trust in Him.”

Jim just got up, just now, and I went over and hugged him close. I told him, “How would I make it without you?”

And he said, “How would I make it without you?”

And I thought, as I stood there wrapped in Papas arms, “This man is what faith has brought me. I have Jim because I walked with God when a lot of women wouldn’t have. I have a good man who adores me and my children and grandchildren.”

Jim said when Chloe died, “Oh, if I could have given my life that she would have lived.”

The other grandparents said, “Oh, you would have to get in line — we would all have given our lives so she could have lived.”

And Barbie, Brandon’s stepmom, said, “Well, Jim we would have missed you, too” And oh, I would have missed Jim … he is my leaning post, my water in a dry land. He treats me as if I am a child … and I guess I am, at times.

Even as I write here at the e-machine, Papa is at the table writing out checks for our bills. Oh, this man is priceless. Absolutely priceless. He was able to help the kids pay for some of the funeral. And he told me yesterday, “Connie, we are just making it but we are making it.” And isn’t this the story of Jim and Connie. We are just making it. But we are making it.

I guess that is the issue here. And my life has to tell you all who suffer that nothing is impossible with God. Those old guards at the prison told me, “What is a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Jim will never be good for anything … never make it.” Well, I am happy to report that Jim did make it and not only supports himself but helps support all of us at times. Both emotionally and with his money.

This old house ain’t much but its paid for. Papa protects me and loves me and lets me babysit Baby Rose. She would be in a daycare if I didn’t have her. Jim not only raised his own kids but now helps to raise his grandbabies … he is a man’s man. He has proven himself to be a Christian man. He put his money where his mouth is. He proved that Jesus was his Lord by what he did once he got out of prison. Oh, Papa and I have been to hell and back. And yet we still walk before each other, never falling, and stoic, holding each other up with our faith. Continuing to do what is in front of us to keep the family standing.

I remember sitting on an old three-legged stool at the county jail, by faith talking to Jim many years ago as if I was sitting at the kitchen table over coffee.

VICTORY

Thanks, Ladies, for putting up with me. I feel better as I can lay my cards on the table.

Papa just walked by me and said, “I am going I to take my shower. I don’t want for you to think I stink.” And oh, no, we wouldn’t want to stink in the midst of all of this. I see strength in Jim’s eyes … he is back on the move.

Jim had taken a different pizza delivery job as, at this job, we can use their car. But now he isn’t making the tips as he had been before. But last night he made more tips than usual. I know he feels better. So we two B.S.-ers are feeling better. Like heck, maybe … just maybe … we will make it over one more mountain. And the Lord stands here telling me, “Yes, Connie you will make it over this mountain.” Oh, weeping lasts for the night but Joy comes in the morning. I ought to know that, if no one else does.

We get old, age wise, and yet our spirits, because of Christ, can stay young. We must forget what is behind us and reach, with longing arms, for what is in front of us. We must pull into place our loved ones and by faith we walk with God. And I mean, ya know, ya think that once ya get older, you just sit on a bed of roses and relax. Oh, don’t I wish I could tell you that!

Jim just told me that Tiff’s birthday is the end of the month … Tiff is Baby Rose’s Mom. David’s birthday is coming up, and Baby Rose’s, and Papa’s and my anniversary. I know I have more crazy weddings to look forward to. After all, Christan Joy ain’t married yet. Oh, God help me.

Anyway, I feel better. Thanks for putting up with me.