Saturday, February 24, 2018

Poor Aunt Toot

Well, I see Aunt Toot was kidding me on the email last night about all the crazy things that have happened in our home when she came to visit.

One time, she had just come in the door with her new baby boy. I offered her a chair and, as she sat there a few minutes, the chair fell completely apart. It was a wooden chair and the seat fell to the floor. It was as though someone had swung an ax under the chair and all four legs fell off and flew in different directions. The Lord kept Toot and the baby. (Thank the Lord.) Of course, I have kidded her for years about ruining my best chair … and that she would have to pay me for it.

Another time, Toot had come to the door with a beautiful new mint green outfit on that her husband had just bought for her. And Johnny squirted her right in the chest with invisible ink. I mean, we were all poor folks, and a new store bought outfit was no small deal. Oh, poor Aunt Toot almost had a heart attack. Of course, I am screaming, “It’s invisible ink! It’s invisible ink! It will disappear in a minute.” And I am yelling at Johnny, “It will disappear — right, Johnny?”

Aunt Toot is screamin’, “This was a new outfit and that ink better disappear!” I thought she was gonna cry, and she would have, but the ink did disappear. Toot was screamin’ that her husband Luther was gonna kill us.

And I know my boys never got a whoopee cushion under Toot, as she was always watching where she sat after her chair had exploded, but I know they tried.

Thank God all those boys grew up and won’t be at the baby shower coming up.

And if it wasn’t my boys tormenting Aunt Toot, it was my cat. Our cat would knock at the door and, when Toot went to answer it, the cat would run away. Poor Aunt Toot thought I had ghosts. But I told her it was just the cat. Aunt Toot’s eyes would get as big as saucers when things would happen like that.

And for example (this never happened) … but a whole room in my house could fall in while Aunt Toot was drinking her very questionable coffee, and she would say, “Connie, did you see that?”

And I would say, “Oh, that ain’t nothin’.” Actually, I would be dyin’ inside but would try to stay calm.

See, Aunt Toot had mostly girls out of her 7 children and I had mostly boys out of my 6. And I have to tell ya … a home run with mostly boys can be a real riot. A mother with a lot of boys and a husband who is well … a bit wild and crazy himself? I mean, either the mother will have to toughen up a bit or just run away. A home with a lot of boys is a challenge, to say the least.

Aunt Toot just told you all the tip of the story on the email. She is saving the worst stories for another day.

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